There comes a time in everyone’s life when they lose their innocence. One thing changes, and you begin to understand the horrors of the world.
My transition from innocence to experience happened well into my sophomore year. Fate let me lead a life of ignorant bliss for twenty years, all in service of leading up to this abhorrent event…
“Hey, can I have a piece of gum?” I asked one of my roommates, whom I adored and trusted.
“Yeah, absolutely,” she said, ever the picture of kindness and normalcy.
My roommate drove along, making safe decisions as usual, as I pulled two pieces of gum from the tiny plastic tub. I popped them into my mouth and enjoyed the fresh burst of minty freshness.
Ah, this is the life, I thought. Driving to the grocery store with my cool roommate, listening to some chill tunes, and chewing on some gum…
Some time went by. The silence was comfortable between us, as we’d lived together for a year at this point.
“Ah, damn,” I muttered.
“What’s up?” My roommate asked, being a caring and attentive person.
“The gum ran out of flavor so fast, and I don’t have anywhere to spit it out.”
“Ew.”
“Yeah.”
Then, she said, without any shame: “I just swallow it.”
If I had been in the driver’s seat, the brakes would’ve screeched to a violent halt. I looked at her, eyes wide in fear.
“What the fuck?”
“Yeah, I don’t know, I’ve been doing it for a while. At first it was freaky, but after you do it a bunch, it just makes sense. It’s so much easier.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I used to do it at least two times a day. It just becomes the normal. Now I’ll swallow it, even if I’m right next to a trash can!”
In response, I shoved open the passenger door and rolled out on to the street, a la Lady Bird.
Bruised and torn from my rough landing, I ran. I ran as far as I could. I spat out my gum, because I’m a normal human and not a scary monster. I lay panting on the sidewalk, reflecting upon what I had just learned.
I could no longer trust my roommate. I was heartbroken. She had been the perfect person to live with; she was clean, independent, and friendly. She was my friend. Now I knew a part of her that made her unbearable to be around. I felt fear, fear of a deep primal variety I had never experienced before. Suddenly, I knew the horrors of war and famine that afflicted the world. I truly processed greed, bigotry and genocide for the first time. I realized that climate change was real, and it was bad. It was all too much.
I wanted nothing more than to go back to the sweet, sweet time before I knew that my roommate eats gum. I had to escape in order to retain some semblance of my innocence. But, was I trapped? We care for a cat together! We had plans to live together until the end of college! We had put a down payment on a lease – I paid 500 dollars (plus utilities) to live with this demon!
“No.” I whispered, still on the cold, hard, sidewalk. “I’m leaving.” Screw the cat. Screw my other roommate. I needed to survive.
“I’m moving out.”
So, if anyone is looking for a place to sublet for the summer, or the entire academic year, 223 Williams has a vacancy! It’s got 3 well-lit bedrooms, a working kitchen, a nice backyard, an adorable cat, and a fine roommate if you’re also fucked up.
…SWALLOWING GUM?
Diving out of the car was 100% justified. You made the correct call. Good luck with the hunt for the new place…!