March is Women’s History Month, and as it’s drawing to a close, I’ve been reflecting on the lessons I’ve learned from the heroines of the ages that we’re taught about in school. Harriet Tubman taught me to be fearless. Jane Addams taught me to be compassionate. Amelia Earhart taught me to always check MapQuest before a long trip.
Too soon? Sorry, Amelia. I know it wasn’t your fault.
But if I’m being honest with myself, as great as these women are, I’m just an average girl, and the most important lessons women have taught me are just average lessons. Luckily, I’ve been blessed with many, many above-average women in my life to teach them to me. So in celebration of Women’s History, I thought I’d share with you my own personal list of amazing women and the lessons they’ve taught me… and maybe by reading them, you’ll learn something too.
My sisters
Actual depiction of my sisters
- If you leave shit lying around, it’s going to get stolen.
- They’re not called emoticons anymore, they’re emojis, and if you ever get caught using the cat face ones, you will face public ridicule.
- The best way to not get caught eating candy in your room is to throw your wrappers out in your sister’s garbage can.
- Sometimes, you need people to make fun of you. All the pompous assholes you know became that way because they didn’t have sisters to remind them how uncool they are.
My mom
Not an actual depiction of my mom.
- A family that cooks together stays together. A family that cooks meth together stays together better.*
- The Chicago Bears are the best team in NFL football, regardless of what the scoreboard says.
- Moms can smell bullshit from three thousand miles away.
- Some days, your brain just needs a little break from school. On those days, your mother will call into the attendance office for you, but only if you pretend to cough in the background… What, you call that a cough? Harder!
*Dear police, my mother does not cook meth. She is a nice lady. Her sense of humor is just a little weird.
Dora the Explorer
- If you leave shit lying around, it’s going to get stolen by an anthropomorphic fox named Swiper.
- A rana is a frog. Can you say it with me? La rana. The frog. La rana. The frog. Good job everyone!
- Sometimes, people can’t see what’s right in front of them. YES, THE RAINBOW GEM IS IN THE BANANA TREE, DORA, JUST TURN AROUND AND LOOK FOR YOURSELF!
- Sometimes, you just gotta dance and sing “We Did It!” to cheer yourself up after a long day.
The mean librarian
- Authority figures are not to be trusted.
- That copy of Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus was due back last week, young lady.
- Anyone can look menacing while wearing a kitten sweater if they try hard enough. #doloresumbridge
- Nothing can crush the spirits of a determined little girl who just wants to read.
My dog
- Most people do not classify dogs as women.
- Yes, even if they’re female dogs.
- I don’t care. My dog is amazing.
- Much like my dog, women are wonderful, powerful, and enjoy a treat and a nice bath from time to time.
Honestly, whoever made comparing women to dogs an insult had absolutely no idea how awesome dogs are, for real.
Happy Women’s History Month, everyone!
