A Joint Piece by Sarah & Christine Loftus Master
My mother, the incomparable Christine, recently made her grand re-entry into the world of dating. As a 20-year-old woman whose friends have yet to find their “one and only’s,” I am more than familiar with what dating looks like in the modern era. Single women’s inboxes are inundated with creepy messages – I mean, advances from potential suitors – on platforms ranging from Facebook, to OkCupid, to LinkedIn (yes, really). Being the hot mama that she is, and having heard a little bit about some dating apps, she decided to venture out into the fish-infested waters of Tinder. This article is meant to be an exploration of the differences between her experiences and what I’ve heard from my 20-year-old friends. Is Tinder different across generations? More importantly, is my mom secretly a stone cold fox? (Hint: Yes, and it’s no secret.)
After making her profile, she struggled with the character limit often imposed on date-seekers today: “Oh God! I haven’t had to make a good first impression for a date in 26 years! How the heck do I articulate who I am in 150 words or less?” Still, rather than claim to be the Royal Duchess of Haddon Heights, NJ, or take the minimalist approach that most young women do (i.e. “Young, wild, & free from the 856 to the 401. Looking for fun and free food.”) she settled with the truth:
“Friends would describe me as fun and outgoing. I like spending time with my college-aged kids when they are home, yoga and Pilates, and playing with my nieces and nephews. Looking for someone who likes to laugh and have fun.”
Isn’t honesty nice? I mean, she’s doing great already, considering she posted her real age and didn’t try to masquerade as a piece of literal bread.
Exhibit A
My generation is too concerned with seeming “chill,” it seems, which apparently translates into the maxim, “The fewer words on your Tinder bio, the better.” This obsession with chill doesn’t quite translate to my mother’s generation, as she and her peers weren’t raised playing mind games with Read Receipts on iMessage or breaking up with each other on AIM (oops, guilty). So, I suppose, that is one observable difference in how people across age groups interact with one another on Tinder.
Now onto the lucky gentlemen who are graced with her presence on said dating app. Are they better at presenting themselves, as they have years of experience? Is their strategy for picking women up more successful (or even more logical)? Are they doing anything different than men in college? Shockingly, the short answer is no.
Even looking at men in her age range, my mother has encountered a full platoon of buffoons, who apparently never grew past the ripe age of 20. Who knew? Her comments on the subject are numerous:
“Really? A shirtless mirror selfie of you flexing? Yuck – Leave something to the imagination. Swipe left.” —- Yes, men over 40 still TAKE and then POST these sorts of photos. Next.
“A motorcycle? No thanks, Mr. Reckless. Swipe left.” —- Re: I’m responsible and you’re a fool. Goodbye.
“Holding up today’s catch! What woman is attracted to a dead fish? Swipe left.”—- It will never cease to baffle me that men of all ages on Tinder post pictures of them holding dead sea creatures. If I ever message you back it’s because I want to know whether you’ll try to take me to Long John Silver’s. I can hear the Jaws theme already.
In this day and age, the only significant life events worth documenting for young men are, apparently, frat parties and successful fishing trips.
“Photos that are clearly from 20 years ago — RED FLAG!! What the hell do you look like now? Fat & bald!! Swipe left.” —- Okay, now this is seriously not a problem my friends are having, unless they’re encountering baby pictures on dating apps. And that’s another issue entirely.
As far as unwanted advances? Turns out even adult men are idiots, and send inappropriate messages as frequently as college-aged kids. My mother would like to know whether Tinder has a customer service department she can call to deal with these losers.
Other than not really “getting” the concept of a Super-Like (and, trust me, Ma, no one gets those), it turns out my mother is a regular pro at Dating in 2016. And she’s actually been successful in finding people she wants to talk to: “You finally see a fella who looks normal in photos, and his description isn’t creepy. He only lives 50 miles from you (you can meet in the middle)! He has been married and has kids. Ok, he might be capable of of having a successful relationship. Swipe right.” Well, none of my friends are actively wondering whether their matches have children, and if they are, it’s for completely different reasons. That’s a big “No thanks” from me – sorry, Mom.
My mother is apparently marvelous at the “Don’t Get Killed By Internet Stranger” part as well! On her first Tinder date, she followed what must be the closest thing to a time-tested Tinder strategy, and met him for drinks in a public place – “He suggests a town in the middle of nowhere. Nope! I suggest a more populated place, a place where I have a good friend who is a sergeant on the police force!” Plus, she asked her sister and best friend to sit at a table behind them to snoop, I mean, wield pepper spray, I mean, supervise.
Now, listen up ladies, this is where the key advice comes in: What do you do for the date?
“Sit at the bar for one glass of wine. Don’t commit to a full dinner. This way you can cut out of there after half a drink if it’s not going well, he looks nothing like his profile photos, or he’s walking in using a cane!”
Well said, Ma. Any parting words for our loyal Rib readers?
“Tinder is an adventure in phase two of my life! Either way, I have a very full life with family and friends who adore me!”
Well, there’s that genuine spirit characteristic of her generation. Isn’t it gross? Just kidding. Cheers to you and your adventures! Just spare me all details from this part of the process onward. My heart is three sizes too small and can’t take it.
