It’s been a hard past two weeks for me, folks. Didn’t do too hot on an exam, contracted pneumonia, had three bowls of mac and cheese one evening, cried over no less than five episodes of Crazy Ex Girlfriend.
I used to think that all of my low points were my own fault, that I was the one that needed to get my act together. But then, I realized that all of this stress could easily be avoided if only Terry Crews, American actor, former NFL star, resident father figure on Brooklyn 99, was my guardian angel.
I truly believe he would provide me with the wisdom and tough love I need to reach my full potential. I make a LOT of mistakes but Terry has some wisdom for every situation:
When I’m strapped for cash but Colourpop just released ten new lipstick colors:
Even Terry Crews knows that with a single glare from him, anyone would lock up their wallet and throw away the key. Terry wouldn’t let me spend thirty dollars on three different primers from CVS. Terry would tell me that I ought to put some of that money in my savings account. I understand, Terry.
When I try to stay up past midnight working on an assignment:
Terry would remind me that my brain just automatically shuts down at a certain point in time and that only true all nighter I ever pulled involved watching the entire second season of Glee, which required little to no brain power. Terry would remind me that I should start my papers at least three to four days ahead of time. If Terry was my guardian angel, I wouldn’t have submitted my poli sci paper with double spacing instead of 1.5 spacing (although seriously, who uses 1.5 spacing anymore).
When I’m worried that I’m acting dorky or cheesy:
You’re right, Terry! I shouldn’t feel bad about expressing my emotions to people! I shouldn’t feel embarrassed when I tell a friend or family member that I love them or when I cry over a dog in public. Thank you for helping me express my emotions, Terry.
When I’m worried that I’ll never find love/do well in classes/get a stable job after college:
Terry understands that college students are ten times as anxious and stressed as ever and that even here at Brown there’s always that pressure to get straight As. Terry wouldn’t have anything new to say about my love life – just the same thing that everyone says, “it’ll happen when it happens.” But it would somehow be more comforting coming from him. If worse comes to worst after college, I know Terry would be there for me, ready to take me under his wings and usher me into the real world.