The last few months have been riddled with chaos and upheaval. Queen Elizabeth is dead and Richard Locke (Rick, if I may) is stepping down from his role as Provost of Brown University, leaving the two most coveted positions in the world open and ready for the taking. King (still feels a bit soon, doesn’t it?) Charles has got his grubby little hands on the former, so I have set my sights on the latter. Read this and weep, Rick.
CPax’s most recent email titled ‘Seeking Provost applications and input’ (with a massive Brown logo at the top, characteristically tiny typeface and no margins) had me at ‘hello’. Whether CPax’s personal scribe struggles with rhetoric, or I (once again) am looking for a way to make a situation about me, the wording very much made it sound like they were imploring students to apply. Fortunately for the administration, I have graciously answered their call to arms. Plus, this saves hours of typing ‘student jobs’ into Workday where the only available position seems to be assistant coach of the water polo team.
So, in the spirit of men worldwide, I am going to apply for a job about which I know very little and for which I am grossly unqualified. Without further ado, in honour of application season, here’s mine to be the next provost of Brown University.
1. Queen Elizabeth just died. The world is in dire need of a new unelected Brit to wield power and trample on the masses. Like Elizabeth (and clearly unlike the four provosts we’ve had since 2016), I’m in it for life, which brings me to my next point…
2. I promise not to leave for Apple University. They offered me a job but I know how to use my phone already so no thx
3. I know what a provost is. Having googled the definition five minutes ago, I am better informed than at least 70% of the Brown population.
4. I’m an actress (and my mummy’s little star), which means I’m well equipped to pretend to care about students and their silly little problems.
5. I was elected class monitor in first grade and ruled with an iron fist. Leadership is in my bones.
Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.