September 3rd 2015
Dear Diary:
I have been startled awake from my summer hibernation. Today, a scrawny human and its owners posed on and near me in various positions that were entirely unnecessary and strangely acrobatic for a, what I believe is called, family photo. It appears that the new school year has begun.
I figured I had a few days until the actual rabble-rousing began, so I took few hours off to weep and mourn the loss of summer, peace, and tranquility. This was rudely interrupted by a ‘freshmen’ vomiting a mixture of tequila and orange juice all over my paws.
September 15th
Dear Diary:
How much longer I can take of this, I am unsure. Dozens of humans have taken to lounging near me, resting their filthy heads against my paws (or, in more inappropriate cases, my rump) and smoking their CANCEROUS cigarettes in my vicinity. They think just because I am a statue I don’t mind having smoke blown in my face? They are most incorrect.
October 31st
Dear Diary:
Alack, alack, my ill-fated soul! How could I have forgotten the dreaded Halloweek? In the past two days alone, I have had Snickers relentlessly pelted at me (don’t they know bears are allergic to nuts?), had several poor excuses for costumes adorned on me (cat ears? really?), and been used as a “bed” in several copulation attempts. I say attempts because if one or two of the humans had a member, they found themselves unable to proceed due to being afflicted by “whiskey dick.” I can only hope for the sweet comfort of death by complete oxidation, dear diary.
December 22nd
Dear Diary:
A few of the humans wrapped a few scarves around me and positioned a woolen beanie on my head so I’d stay warm for the wintertime. They are festively themed. Perhaps humans are not so bad.
February 14th
Dear Diary:
I immediately retract my last entry. Today, no less than three separate couplings of humans engaged in intercourse against me. I despise love.
May 15th
Dear Diary:
The last of the humans have trickled off campus. I find myself being lulled to sleep by the silence, barely interrupted by the cicadas. The sun is quite warm on my belly.
May 16th
Dear Diary:
Today, a group of summer students dared each other to climb all the way to my head, naked, covered head to toe in butter. I despise humans.
