Traditional notions of success are often defined in the context of commencement speeches and father-daughter heart-to-hearts. I’d like to challenge those notions. Because no, despite what you’ve been taught, success is not all about the accuracy with which you can imitate the Geico commercial with the camel, or even the one with the cavemen. Honestly, I don’t really care how many hours you spend a day in front of a mirror, perfecting that lizard’s intoxicatingly smooth voice. What success really comes down to is whether or not your life lends itself well to a memoir. And where would any memoir be without a title to pull its reader in? I mean, without a little creative license, every one of them would be called My Life. So how does one come up with a title that is magnetic yet mildly repulsive, mysterious yet revealing, subtle yet bold? As you can see from the previous sentence, I have an uncanny gift for crafting rhetorical monsters that possess the named characteristics. The following guide is, as every memoir should be, tailored to your unique individual personality, and will allow you to select the perfect title based on some generically oversimplified caricatures.
The introvert: Uncomfortable Silences: Memoir of an Invisible Woman
This is one of those people who relishes her wallflower status. All she has to do to find the outsider-looking-in type of narrative she lives for is to engage in an everyday social interaction. Going to the grocery store may provide material for a chapter or two, but the real gold mine is going to a party. Has anyone else noticed that the socially awkward are far more likely to write about the parties they’ve attended than their more outgoing peers are?
The extrovert: Shut Up and Give Me the Mic: My Story
This is a woman who’s obnoxious and owns it. She’s probably a struggling actress who does a little modeling on the side, and counts a lively Instagram account, a small and noisy dog called Roxi, and a karaoke machine among her prized possessions. The only way she was able to get through the silent, solitary activity of writing the memoir was to lock herself in a tower for a week with a large supply of hand sanitizer and the neighborhood pizzeria on speed dial.
The artiste: Stabbed By A Pencil and Other Misadventures
This memoir is really more of a collection of free verse poems, but you don’t figure that out until you reach page 234, when you’re already too committed to turn back. The author wants to make sure you know just how tortured her soul is. To that end, sewer rats, classism, and broken dreams are featured throughout the text, accompanied by a healthy coating of grit. The fact that you have never heard of the artiste’s “poignantly abstract” and “aesthetically curious” paintings is of no consequence. Hey, it’s on Oprah’s book list, so it must be good.
The health nut: Confessions of a Banana Addict: Story of a Raw Vegan
This is a foodie Bible thinly disguised as a memoir. Inspiring vignettes about the author’s struggles with depression and eating disorders before she “found this lifestyle” are interspersed with recipes for things like “Kale and Cauliflower Dream” and “Sugar and Spice Juice.” She also finds a way to weave yoga, minimalist living, and anticapitalism into this (USDA certified) organic tapestry of a narrative. Read on, my disciples, read on. For you too, can be a fitness buff in harmony with Our Earth Mother.
The blogging mom: Cupcakes, Carpools, and Conniptions: A Mother Tells All
Best known for her popular blog, “The Mommy Diaries,” this suburban mother of three wants nothing more than to inspire other parents with her unconventional parenting style. Actually, her parenting style is pretty average, but with all the photos of healthy weeknight dinners and tips for keeping kids entertained on long road trips, no one can see the perfectly normal woman behind the curtain. And that is exactly how she wants to keep it.
The millennial: The Wannabe Hipster Files
This author enjoys frolicking in several layers of irony. She is striving to break away from the mainstream, and yet simultaneously recognizes that said desire is in and of itself incredibly mainstream. One is not supposed to “want” to be a hipster, so by mocking hipster culture, one can get away with behavior that exactly fits the hipster mold. The inner monologue goes something like this: “Wow, hipsters are, like, such conformists. I would never let my free spirit be trampled by a pair of black-framed glasses. I’m more into retro coke bottle glasses, you know?”
The gymnast-turned-lifestyle-guru: The Cartwheel Chronicles: From Balance Beam to Hostess Dream
This memoir comes from one of those Gabby Douglas-Martha Stewart hybrids you see everywhere nowadays. The book, written in the author’s middle age, recalls an athletic past, but mostly concerns itself with the secrets to great entertaining. Gymnastics metaphors are plentiful, from the “somersaults” the author’s stomach does before a dinner party, to the “balancing act” of keeping Democrat Uncle Bill and Republican Aunt Suzie conversing in civil terms at the quad annual Election Day Family Feast.
I hope these help, but I must warn you that your memoir, even with one of the above fool-proof titles, will never top The Hobbit: There and back again. Bilbo takes the cake, y’all. Genius.
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