To be completely honest, I really wasn’t planning on seeing the new Star Wars movie; I totally love Jennifer Lawrence ’cause she’s so quirky and cool so I wanted to see Joy instead. But when everyone I knew was talking about Star Wars, I started to feel like a hermit. I decided that in order to be truly ~relevant~ I should probably cough up the $12.50 and go see it. And let me tell you – I was NOT disappointed.
The movie opens with a really hot guy asking an old man for a flash drive. I was like hubba hubba. But also, who owns a flash drive anymore? Apparently they’re looking for a guy named Luke, which is cool, but if you need a “Luke” I go to high school with like eight of them. Also, Find my iPhone, anyone? Can’t they just text the guy? You can travel at the speed of light, but you can’t page him? Buzz buzz, we lookin’ for you, dude.
Anyway, there’s a whole lot of stuff that happens, and we meet a woman with an unrealistic hairstyle, whose name is Rey. Which is like Lana Del Rey and therefore pretty cool. So now that there’s a pretty lady involved, I’m like, “Okay, when does this get sexy?” Every movie with a woman and a man has some sort of sexiness in it, and that’s pretty much the only reason I ever go to see a movie (duh). Am I right, ladies?
And that’s when I got my money’s worth. The evil guy, his name is Kylo Ren, and for the most part he’s been hiding in a costume and a mask, so there’s not much to see. But underneath that mask he’s got a luscious mane of long, dark hair, and these adorable pouty lips and I’m like “Yes, it’s about to get sexy.” He has Rey in his clutches, and he has his mask off, and he’s trying to get her to tell him where Luke is hiding (seriously, no one has his cell number?). He holds his hand in front of her face (I don’t get why, but okay) and tries to make her tell him what she knows. So they stare at each other for a really long time and I’m like “HERE WE GO, Y’ALL.”
But nothing happens.
The minute he started holding his hand in my face I would’ve been like “Yes, daddy” but Rey is totally unfazed. Rey, come on. LOOK at this guy. Hello?
Overall, I’m giving the movie a 4/5. Thought it was great, entertaining and all that. Minus one point for no sexiness, but you guys get it.
