Are you single but not ready to mingle? Do you envision having the lifestyle of a marriage twelve years past its prime? Do you want to get married but have no interest in dating? Well, we have the app for you!
Welcome to minutemarriage.com! The past few years have been uncertain, to say the least. Young people these days don’t want to deal with the heartbreak and fragility of beginning a relationship. Finally, here is the dating app for people who want to skip to the empty-nester part of a relationship. No more first dates, no more honeymoon stage, no more passionate intercourse– now you can skip to the best part of life where you have stability. Perhaps you are looking for a glorified roommate with all the tax benefits, or maybe a partner who can pose next to you on your holiday cards, or even someone who will interrupt your reality TV binge every fifteen minutes to ask when he can watch his game. Someone steady, someone reliable, someone you won’t have to worry about leaving you because they truly have no other options. If this sounds like you, minutemarriage.com can satisfy all your desires and more! Here are four of the profiles you are missing by not signing up to minutemarriage.com today:
Spencer: Spencer is 24 and just finished his master’s degree in computer linguistics at MIT. He likes being told to sleep in a different room because he snores too loud, playing solitaire on his work computer, and saying insensitive things about your family’s religion in front of your mother. Spencer hates long vacations, all chain restaurants, and people who want to retire in Europe. He is looking for a partner who will cook him dry chicken that he can eat with an unhealthy amount of ketchup, someone he can take long walks with (like a well-bred dog), someone who will listen to him rant about Becky in HR and her unrealistic expectations, and someone who will accept his lifestyle as a competitive Rubix cube solver. Does Spencer sound like the man for you? Download minutemarriage.com to propose to him and not share a room with him for evermore!
Shoshana: Shoshana is 29 and is a fourth grade math teacher in the suburbs of Boston. She likes arguing at the farmer’s market about which flavor of honey to get, doing Barre (ballet cardio), and attending random high school graduations and pretending one of the kids is hers. Shoshana hates plaid, Mormons, and CVS brand allergy medicine. She is looking for someone who will dance to the more problematic Chris Brown songs she likes, someone who will foster several Humane Society turtles that get named and treated like toddlers, and someone who will take care of her when her family genetics catch up with her and she develops early onset cat lady syndrome. Does Shoshana sound like the girl for you? Download minutemarriage.com to set a wedding date with her and inhale the smell of her mother’s brisket for the rest of your life.
Ivy: Ivy is 21 and about to graduate from University of North Carolina-Charlotte with a degree in Communications. She likes buying those overpriced socks that say funny things like “I only like doggos,” or “Don’t talk to me unless I’ve had my coffee”, attending ComicCon dressed as Jacob from Twilight (no shirt, just jean shorts), and watching RealHousewives to stave off her seasonal depression. Ivy dislikes shirts not available at WalMart, working, and the suffragette movement. She is looking for someone who will let her become a housewife immediately out of college and will buy her signs made of driftwood that say things like “live laugh, lake.” Does Ivy sound like the girl for you? Download minutemarriage.com and join her family’s Pottermore plan.
Dennis: Dennis is 32 and unemployed. He has an unhealthy obsession with the FBI and his whereabouts on January 6, 2021 are unknown. He likes watching conspiracy theory videos on YouTube, perusing the internet for the latest Twitter scandal he can provide input on, and protesting outside courthouses after they pass a progressive bill. He dislikes drinking water, weddings that play the Cha Cha Slide song because it tells him what to do, and several flavors of Skittles (most of all, the ones that gave the Rainbow back to the gays). Dennis is looking for a wife who will let him drink beer midday on Wednesday, bring him to work potlucks where they serve pulled pork, and will buy him pre-distressed jeans. Does Dennis sound like the man for you? Download minutemarriage.com to endure soft-core emotional abuse for the next 15-20 years!
Like what you see? Who wouldn’t? It’s a sure way to never have to show up to a holiday dinner party at your rich aunt’s mansion in Westchester alone. Download minutemarriage.com today! It’s basically like an arranged marriage but you get to choose! And you can skip to the good part!