Middle School Crushes: A Semi-Comprehensive Guide

Let’s face it, we all had some embarrassing crushes in middle school. When it comes down to it, there are five major food groups of middle school crushes: the trendy kid, the new kid, the proximity crush, the jock and the bad boy. “But wait,” you shout, “I haven’t experienced all of these different but uniquely humiliating crushes!” In that case, you probably fulfill one of two scenarios, either a.) you’re simply moving slowly through the crush cycle and will unfortunately experience “the bad boy” while in your early forties or b.) your middle school crushes worked out well and your life is great and you should probably just shut up about it. Let’s move on to the breakdown.

The Trendy Kid: Maybe it was the boy at recess that always had four Fruit Roll-Ups in his lunchbox. Maybe it was the girl in your carpool with the pink Razr. Either way, this crush had something that you wanted. It’s ambiguous whether or not you actually wanted to middle-school-date them (read: hold hands awkwardly on the blacktop) or if you just wanted to use their stuff – actually, you definitely just wanted to use their stuff. Once the item in question was no longer in fashion, your love for them became as obsolete as N*Sync tapes.

The New Kid: Something about new kids in middle school was always so intriguing and enigmatic. Eventually, you realized that they were inevitably just as lame and boring as the rest of us…but until that realization hits, they were exotic and mysterious. I hope you savored your brief, fictional fling with that kid that transferred from the Jewish day school.

The Proximity Crush: They were in your homeroom. They had your same teachers, same recess hangouts and vaguely hung out in your ever-changing group of friends. You literally could not avoid them so you kind of developed a fondness for them. It made you uncomfortable. Actually, everything about middle school made you uncomfortable. (Note: watch out for proximity crushes later in life, because they may develop into proximity significant others and then you might marry them and have a boring, stale marriage and three delinquent kids and a job you hate and the increasing realization that we all die alone in the end.)

The Jock: Typically very into basketball or soccer. This crush carried Gatorade at all times. You may have the sneaking suspicion that you developed this crush due to the influence of High School Musical. You’re right. It was because of High School Musical.

The Bad Boy (or Girl – let’s not be hetero-normative in our vast generalizations of middle school love lives): This young hooligan may have done something as daring as drawing a penis on their desk in math class. Perhaps they refused to change out of their Vans and into their gym shoes. You were delighted by their flirtation with danger. Sometimes you cursed around them so that they’d think you were cool. Today, they have an incredibly suspect Facebook presence and you happily view the ruins of their life from afar (let’s be real, you’re a social media sociopath).

That’s all for now, kids! Sit back, relax, and think about how grateful you are to have left middle school behind. Then think about the fact that this cycle of crushes often repeats itself, and deeply scrutinize the current object of your affections. Honestly, I think you only like them for their microwave and access to alcohol.