If you’re like me in that you suffer crippling bouts of social ineptitude whenever you meet someone you worship greatly admire, here are a couple very real “expectation vs. reality” scenarios to crush your dreams.
EXPECTATION for meeting the lead singer of my favorite band after a concert:
With concert stage in background, LEAD SINGER approaches ME who is waiting in line to meet band.
ME
(shimmering with a youthful effervescence)
Hello…
LEAD SINGER
(intrigued)
Hi there. Can I sign something for you?
ME
I just wanted to tell you how incredible I thought your show was tonight. I never imagined you could get any better than when I caught you in Philly last year, but your vulnerability in “Firelight” was crazy inspiring, and “My Body”– blew me away as always.
LEAD SINGER
(realizing he is in the presence of a true fan)
Whoah, I’m in the presence of a true fan!
(looking deep into my eyes)
Do I know you from somewhere?
ME
(laughing irresistibly)
Not unless you’ve spent any major time in eastern Pennsylvania…
LEAD SINGER
No way! That was my family’s favorite vacation spot when I was a kid! Wow, just looking at you is filling me with so much nostalgia and joy…
ME
We just connect on so many levels.
LEAD SINGER
Do you have any plans for tonight? The band and I are hosting a little bit of an after party and it would be amazing to see you there…
ME
For sure! I have a loose commitment with a couple of Arctic Monkeys this evening, but I should definitely be able to stop by later.
LEAD SINGER
(a desperate look in his eye)
Well, I’ll be waiting. Here’s the address.
(passes ME a slip of paper)
Do you want to come backstage and meet the rest of the band?
(offering ME his hand)
ME
Definitely!
(taking LEAD SINGER’s hand, and noticing tattoo)
Nice tattoo…
LEAD SINGER
(as they start to walk away)
You can touch it if you want.
ME
Well, if you ‘re offering…
END OF SCENE
REALITY:
With concert stage in background, FRIEND and I stand in line, anxiously waiting for LEAD SINGER. He approaches.
ME
(visibly flustered)
Hi! Oh my god, hi.
LEAD SINGER
(as chill as can be)
Hi there.
ME
(awed)
I like your voice…is so…buttery…
LEAD SINGER
Sure, ok, thanks…
ME
Yeah…
LEAD SINGER
Okay…
ME
(aggressively)
Where are you from!
LEAD SINGER
Well, I’m originally from Michigan, but before that, well…India.
(laughs)
FRIEND
(with a cockney lilt)
Splendid!
ME
(to FRIEND)
Why are you talking like that?
FRIEND
(with accent)
I don’t know but I can’t stop.
ME
(to LEAD SINGER)
So you’re Indian!
LEAD SINGER
Yup.
ME
Same!
LEAD SINGER and FRIEND
(confused looks)
ME
Nope! I am not Indian at all! Don’t know why I said that!
(laughs)
LEAD SINGER
Cool…
FRIEND
Can you sign my face?
END OF SCENE
EXPECTATION for meeting an up-and-coming poet after her reading in my writing class:
In a small lobby filled with lots of people, books and dark wood. Everyone speaks in a flawless British accent. I approach POET, who is pouring herself some wine.
POET
Wine?
ME
Do you have to ask?
ME and POET
(simpering laughter)
ME
(accepting the glass of wine from POET)
I’m Kristina by the way– a student here. It was such a pleasure to listen to your reading today. One of the best I’ve attended by far.
POET
I am charmed to hear you say that. Utterly charmed! I know I just met you, but for some reason I already trust your opinion almost implicitly!
ME
(taking a sip of wine)
I completely understand. Maybe we knew each other in a past life?
POET
(gesturing to my feet)
Or maybe it’s your impeccable taste in shoes?
ME and POET
(simpering laughter)
POET
(eagerly)
I’d love to hear your impressions of the book.
ME
Of course. Your unique voice, first of all, is refreshingly inventive – almost reminiscent of a young T.S. Eliot! And your use of multiple perspectives really could not be more effective in transmitting your deep sense of bewilderment, themes of identity, and disorientation in the face of conflicting cultures. What I find to be most inspiring, however, is your unapologetic abandonment of lyrical conventions, and incorporation of such crude aspects of the human experience that have made me question if the idea of beauty even exists at all!
POET
Incredible! I had never even considered that before! What an apt reading.
(taking my hand)
You must have some poetry of your own– I would love to take a look!
ME
Actually, I’ve written, well…nothing!
POET and ME
(simpering laughter)
POET
Those were the days! Well, If you ever get around to writing anything, here’s my business card.
(hands over card)
ME
Smashing! How darling of you.
POET
(passing ME a slip of paper)
And here’s my private number. I was thinking of stopping by that carpeted mall down the hill to do some shopping. Maybe you could join me, and help me find some shoes just like yours!
ME
I would so enjoy that. We could go as a couplet!
ME and POET
(simpering laughter)
END SCENE
REALITY:
In a small lobby filled with lots of people, books and dark wood. Students pick at cubes of cheese. I approach POET, who just finished signing someone’s book.
ME
Hi, it’s so nice to meet you!
POET
Yes, nice to meet you!
ME
SO nice to meet you!
(cringes)
POET
Yes… So you’re a master’s student here, in creative writing?
ME
No, I’m a freshman student here…in the… school.
POET
Okay… Did you want me to sign your book?
ME
Oh, yeah!
(hands it over)
I loved it so much! I just found the poetry so….inventive, you know? Like, and the language was so…different, and good, but like I wasn’t expecting it – not that I didn’t expect it to be good! I just thought it would be different, and it was just… really good…
POET
(signing book)
How do you spell your name?
ME
Oh! It’s K-R-I-S-T-I-N-A. Um, yeah, so your book made me want to write poetry!
POET
(without looking up)
You write poetry?
ME
Yes! I mean yes, but I’ve never actually written any…poems…
(awkward silence)
POET
(handing back pen)
Nice pen!
ME
Thanks! Yes! This pen! I love yo- I mean, it! The pen! Okay, bye!
END SCENE
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