Self-graded. Keep track of your answers!
What’s your biggest Mariah Carey jam?
A. “Touch My Body”
B. “We Belong Together”
C. “All I Want for Christmas Is You”
D. “Obsessed”
E. I can’t pick. I’m a MC super fan!
What’s your philosophy about love?
A. Everyone’s replaceable. Either you worship the ground I walk on, or you take a hike.
B. There’s a special someone out there for everyone.
C. I just want to find someone to cozy up next to. Hot chocolate, fireplace, bearskin rug – the works.
D. Hit and quit, baby. What’s commitment?
E. I can’t wait to marry my best friend.
What’s your best asset?
A. My ability to let things roll off my back.
B. I’m the boss. I always know how to take charge.
C. I’m a lot of fun to be around!
D. I never let people push me around – I’m assertive, but not aggressive.
E. I sparkle! Look at me go!
You’re on Netflix. What’s in your “Continue Watching” queue?
A. Clueless
B. The Notebook
C. Love Actually
D. The Grudge
E. Footloose
Worst memory of your adolescence?
A. I really flubbed at the school talent show. I may or may not have fallen off the stage.
B. My high school boyfriend broke up with me for my best friend. But it’s cool – I just dated his best friend.
C. I walked into school with my underwear on the outside of my pants. Whoops.
D. Someone spread a nasty rumor about me, and it never went away.
E. I went all out at prom. Someone filmed me dancing and put it online – talk about a lack of coordination. Yikes!
If you got:
MOSTLY A’s: You’re the infamous New Years Eve performance.
You don’t let anybody tell you how to do you, and you certainly don’t mess around with bad sound designers. If you can’t hear your backing track, you can’t hear it! Not your fault. People pay attention to you, and though others might think that’s more of a curse than a blessing, you know that all press is good press. Keep loving yourself and the world will follow suit.
MOSTLY B’s: You’re her breakup with billionaire fiancee James Packer for backup dancer/inevitable fuckboi Bryan Tanaka.
When it comes to love, you’re not going to settle for less (less being, in this case, a million dollar ring and the occasional double yacht vacation – one for you, one for your boo, of course). Honestly though, can you blame yourself? Look at that MAN. Good for you, MC.
MOSTLY C’s: You’re the “All I Want for Christmas Is You” Catastrophe.
OMG, clean your shit up! You’re lucky people love you so much – otherwise, you’d be totally lost. You’re a wholesome, well-intentioned soul that sometimes makes a mess, and who certainly didn’t see any of this “adulthood” stuff coming. How do you pay bills? What’s a G-Call? You’re just trying to spend time with your friends and have a good time, and who can blame you for not having time to do your work?
MOSTLY D’s: You’re that beef with Eminem from back in the day.
Anyone who messes with you better be prepared to face the consequences. You’re willing to go to any length to get revenge on your enemies – you might even write a song about them, then make a music video for that song in which you dress up as them, then pretend to stalk yourself. Watch your back, Nick Cannon.
MOSTLY E’s: You’re the hot mess of a performance from the 1998 World Music Awards.
In the end, your clumsiness is an asset. Your friends think it’s endearing that you feel uncomfortable on the dance floor, or that you’ve tripped up the steps a couple times. You used to feel a lot more insecure, but over time you’ve come to realize that you’re great the way you are. Still, at times you wish things were different and that you could bust a move like everyone else. Two words: dance class!
NONE OF THE ABOVE: You’re Mariah Carey herself! Congratulations, you fabulous tramp.
