Raise your hand if you’re a liar. Awesome. I can’t see if you did because this is an online article and science doesn’t work like that, but I can assume that everyone raised their hand. Who hasn’t told a few (hundred) lies in their day? Sometimes we lie to protect others, and sometimes we lie to protect ourselves, but mostly we lie to seem more interesting.
I admire and appreciate my peers at Brown University, but I also feel a desperate need to compete with their extraordinary lives. I have tested and approved the following lies, and I highly recommend employing them on campus to boost your intrigue.
“No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar” ― Abraham Lincoln
* But women are usually pretty great at it.
One of my favorite lies was inspired by a visit to everyone’s favorite dining hall, the Sharpe Refectory. I’ve always been obsessed with the old photo of female scholars surrounded by bones, so I’ve started telling people that one woman in the photo is my great great grandmother. It’s a thrilling exercise in creativity, let me tell you. I get to pick whichever woman I want (usually the front row cat lady) and then craft an elaborate backstory. This lie makes for a great fun fact, and ensures that your peers will think of you each time they enter the Ratty. Be sure to mention family heirlooms, like the femur your granny passed down in her will. Inspire others just like your great granny inspired you!
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” ― Mark Twain
* And you don’t have to leave the house — because no one will invite you anywhere.
Next, try telling people that you’ve stolen the recipe for Blue Room muffins, and that you have every intention of circulating it worldwide. If that doesn’t pique the interest of your peers, lie that you plan to use the recipe to open a bakery after graduation. Your entrepreneurial spirit will be the talk of the town, and you’ll have a blast refusing to share the recipe.
“The best lies about me are the ones I told.” ― Patrick Rothfuss
* I don’t really know who Patrick Rothfuss is, but he’s 100% right.
Next time you’re in Sayles Hall, point to an old president’s portrait and talk about the process of painting it. Confidence is key with this lie. Your friends will definitely be skeptical, but if you stay calm and insist that the signature is your artistic pseudonym, you’ll be fine. There’s a good chance your friends will be like, “Kayla, this was painted in 1846,” but you can appease them by saying, “Don’t believe everything you read on portraits” and then moonwalking away. They’ll be confused, but more importantly, they’ll be INTERESTED.
“You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.” ― Abraham Lincoln
* But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.
People will flock to you like bees to honey when you lie that you’re the reason PawPrints doesn’t work. Nothing gets people chatting like the revelation that you’re an evil mastermind who’s been intercepting computer signals for years, thus making it unthinkably difficult to print on campus. This lie is super fun if you ask a friend to meet you at a bus stop, show up wearing a trench coat, and tell them that you can’t explain now, but you’re the cause of Brown’s printing troubles. I mean, damn! Is your middle name Interesting? No? It’s Patricia? Well, that’s a lovely name.
“Bending the truth is a tool for social advancement and I don’t need your judgement. Anyway, not everything I say is a lie, just most things.” — Kayla Kirk
