Father: Would you believe that’s our baby girl? She looks just like you.
Mother: What should we name her?
Father: How about…Amy?
Mother: Oooh, sorry, I can’t. The kid who bullied me in middle school was named Amy.
Father: But –
Mother: I’m sorry. Case closed.
Dear Name Ruiners,
First of all, how dare you. Who gave you the right? Don’t play dumb – you know what I’m talking about. You’re those people who act deplorably, leaving a stain on your names that is harder to remove than the red wine you spilled on your favorite pair of white jeans. I’m talking about people like you, Jessica, who have made their friends insecure forevermore by pointing out that their knees look like little old lady faces. I’m talking about you, Marcus from high school, who bit down on cheese sticks like a savage instead of peeling them, thereby soiling the charm of your name. You people make it impossible to use certain names for my future children. You are the reason that I want to name my daughter after an inanimate object (Cardigan – it’s cute, right?!) in order to avoid unpleasant name associations.
And now, a few shoutouts to people in my life who have ruined potential baby names for me:
Robby – You prank called me several times in middle school. I don’t think you’re a shitty person because of that – I think you’re a shitty person because you weren’t talented enough not to get caught. You have utterly destroyed the cool nickname for “Robert” in my eyes.
Isabelle – You are not a bad person, but you were a little too obsessed with horses and you smelled remarkably like dog treats 24/7. I’m sorry, but your name just isn’t on the table anymore.
Garrett – Ever since you sent me a Facebook message in middle school saying “I know you have a crush on me” (despite the fact that we had never talked or made eye contact), I have been disgusted by your name. It’s a damn shame, because I really have a thing for repeated consonants.
Other Garrett – While I admire your persistence, the constant calls and texts you sent me in the midst of your infatuation drained both my phone battery and my belief in the male gender. Two strikes for Garrett! Wow.
Andy – You are the shittiest person. I mean, literally, ever since you shat in that library book senior year, I can no longer associate your name with the heartwarming Toy Story character. Also, why did you do that?!
Tyler – I just don’t like your face. I’m sorry. It’s not your personality. I cannot help it.
At this point, I’d like you to take a moment to consider the people in your life who have ruined names. Aren’t they the worst?! But you never know; maybe someone really wonderful will come along and redeem a previously tarnished name. But that’s pretty unlikely.
Hell, for all I know, I’m ruining “Kayla” for someone who might have considered it for their child’s name. If you take anything away from this, it’s that we should all try to be better people — not because of heaven or hell or the golden rule, but because we could be ruining a perfectly good name.
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