Lessons from Aziz Ansari’s “Modern Romance”

Aziz Ansari could have written a pseudo-autobiography about his experiences with dating and tinder, and simply pontificated about his take on the 21st century. He could have written that book, and I would have bought it. Instead, Modern Romance is an amusing, but very well researched book on the many ways that the undying quest for love and human companionship has changed in the modern era, as well as some of the ways it has stayed the same – all with the help of a bunch of psychologists and sociologists (most notably his authorial partner, Eric Klinenberg of NYU).

Due to the depth of his research, I cannot provide the full SparkNotes treatment, and instead will highlight some of my favorite takeaways from the work.

Online Dating

Despite social stigma, online dating is huge. Around one third of couples in America getting married today met online, and as the younger generations come of age, it is getting increasingly less embarrassing to meet someone in this manner. However, the marketing ploy that a website will find your soulmate based on an algorithm is total bunk. Psychologists are in agreement that something like romantic attraction is far too complex to be figured out from a survey, and the dating sites themselves admitted that there is difference in who you match with and the kind of person you specified in your profile, because we don’t actually know what we’re looking for and we tend to break our own rules. If you are signing up for a service like Match.com or eHarmony, it’s best to view it as a mechanism for meeting lots of single people – not an electronic matchmaker.

If you are “matched” with someone online, be it from Tinder or a more serious server, you should try to keep the witty banter to a minimum, and focus on setting a concrete time and place to hang out. Initially, this shocked me. Why have I been practicing my texting game for so long, if now you’re telling me I shouldn’t use it? Actually, an extensive back and forth may start out fun and flirty, but if the rapport drags on, the spark often fades, and people either get annoyed or lose interest completely. How many exchanges have petered out because no one made a move, or how often has a series of texts ended in disappointment? You can’t both get the last word, and things flow better face to face, so better to just get on with it.

Speaking of texting, there are universal rules. Ugh, I know – we like to pretend that we’re above that kind of stuff, but there is a psychological basis to texting etiquette. In the foremost example, waiting a specific time interval to reply to a message, or responding less frequently to someone creates a “scarcity of yourself,” and it’s human nature to prize something that’s scarce. I am always more excited to get a text from someone that I didn’t expect would take the time to message me, even if I simultaneously hate not being responded to, and don’t like to play those games. (Another point from Aziz – everyone plays games; sometimes your game is “not playing games.”)

Meeting People

There is always the conundrum of boring first dates. Everyone goes out to dinner or drinks, and if you’re balls deep in single culture it can feel like you’re reading from the same script every time. If you’re having difficulty connecting with people, part of the solution could lay in picking more interesting and novel activities. Aziz tells the story of a friend who took their date to a monster truck rally, and it ended up going really well. Weird, intense places can have the positive effect of getting an authentic feel for what hanging out with a potential partner is like, instead of sitting at a table exchanging routine facts about one another.

Another issue that can arise in romance these days is grounded in “the paradox of choice.” Basically, we have way too many potential baes, and presented with a myriad of options, we try to maximize our result. While the alternative (“satisficing”) can initially sound depressing, (because who wants something that’s merely good enough?) it yields a happier customer. When people maximize, they end up creating an ideal in their head that does not exist in real life. So even if you’re out on a date with a really sexy, cool person, you’re still swiping through Tinder in the bathroom because you can’t help but think that someone better is still out there.

Tinder

People dump on Tinder for being shallow, but as we’ve already discussed, attraction is a complicated thing and a lot of that cerebral computation is initiated by looks. A lot of the time, we gravitate towards someone because we think they’re cute, and feelings can follow as you get to know them better. Tinder is mostly guilty of being realistic. As Aziz refers to it, “Tinder is like a massive party of faces” for you to shuffle through.

You also have to commend Tinder for transforming the previously arduous task of online matching into an activity that is easy, social, and entertaining. A significant number of people join the app as a joke in order to swipe with their friends before eventually meeting someone in a more sincere fashion. Aziz was writing this book in 2014, which was before the advent of Bumble (similar to Tinder, but only girls can send the first message). I would definitely be curious to hear his take on the Bumble app, because it seems to solve some of the male bozo/dick pic/rudeness problems that are basically guaranteed for all women interested in men on Tinder. And trust me, Aziz spends plenty of time skewering the guys who solicit women for pictures of “just one boob.”

International Love

Aziz spent time conducting focus groups in other countries to see what their romantic scene was like. I, like many people, have held the fantasy that if I could just get out of my city/college/country, I would have better luck. While there is no way to individually debunk that, reading about Japan (where the struggle is so real that there are government subsidized programs to get singles to mingle) and Argentina (where street harassment – verbally and physically – is commonplace) gave me a new appreciation for home sweet home. Whilst lamenting the paradox of choice in big cities, Aziz also traveled to small, isolated towns in the U.S., and the folks there were just as frustrated with their dating scene. As one fellow in Wichita put it, the key is to spend a significant amount of time getting to know someone, instead of burning through 50 first dates (unless you are Adam Sandler, in which case, continue as needed).

Overall…

There is so much more in this book than I had time to cover. If you choose to purchase it, you can read about monogamy and “monogamish” (which sounds like the Yiddish version of monogamy, but it’s not), the most profitable tinder prof pics, the benefits and perils of sexting or snooping on your partner’s phone, and lots of cute interviews with old people that manage to portray the mid 20th century in a light that is endearing but not overly forgiving.

I would like to thank Aziz for significantly upping my game. Seriously, I feel like a bonafide expert in love now. Unfortunately, all of the cool tricks and enlightenment I picked up are readily available to literally anyone else with the motivation to read this book – so also, eff you Aziz. Next time I ask someone to a monster truck rally/play it cool with the texts/message someone for advice on how to cook a fish or dry my futon*, they’re going to see right through me! Just kidding Aziz, it was still totally worth it.

When a friend recommended Modern Romance to me, they described it as the magnum opus of all the conversations that you and your crew have about Tinder, love, and life. I would like to add that 1)It’s charming and funny, because it’s written by Aziz Ansari and 2) It has real information to either back up or refute those hunches you and your squad have had about dating in this day and age.

* (see the section on Japan)

Image via Caitlin Dorman ’16.