You don’t know how horny your boyfriend is until you ask. And once you ask, you kind of wish you didn’t know.
We all know that boys, men, and everything in between have fantasies greater than your dreams of becoming Lizzie McGuire in Aaron Carter’s “I Want Candy” music video. Aaron knows a girl who’s tough but sweet, and you really want to be that girl. Well, your boyfriend watches porn, and it’s probably also tough but sweet—that’s kind of gross—and newsflash: he really wants you to be that girl.
So if you can’t be Lizzie McGuire alongside Aaron Carter, maybe you should settle for representing a grade-A pornstar. (If you’re into that kinda thing.)
We have to admit that sometimes, we’re just as curious as our male counterparts. A bunch of my friends confess to enjoying aggressive, weird sex. Though it’s not every gal’s cup of tea, it seems to be a pretty popular sentiment amongst the people I’ve spoken to. And it’s not like I’ve been speaking to the B.D.S.M. (Bondage and Discipline / Domination and Submission / Sadism and Masochism) club, or anything. That’ll be next weekend. Just kidding. But seriously—my friends are the some of the people who you would least expect to want to explore. Yet, they do.
However, my friends—and myself included—feel like there’s sometimes an invisible line that, during sex, we’re afraid to cross. We want to try something, but we don’t want to initiate it. Maybe we want to try something that we don’t know how to try. Seconds before I lost my virginity, I asked my then-boyfriend—also a virgin—if he “knew how to do it.” Seriously, I went, “Do you know how to do it?” Because I didn’t, that’s for sure. Years later, I’m having sex, and I don’t think I’m terrible at it, but I still battle a learning curve. I’m aching to shatter the glass ceiling of kinky sex, if that metaphor can suffice to make any sense at all here. And I’m sure other young women are, too.
I stumbled across Mojo Upgrade in a group discussion when someone brought up the conundrum of trying things that were weird things and they weren’t sure if their partner liked those things or was okay with them and so they had, historically, completely avoided those things. Someone suggested Mojo Upgrade, and though I wasn’t the original question asker, I went home and had a little chat with my BFF Google and was like, hold the effing phone, this website is genius.
Mojo Upgrade describes itself as “a free web tool to help couples discover and expand their shared sexual interests while avoiding embarrassment and awkwardness.”
Here’s how it works: you fill out a super long, but super interesting (read as “erotic”) survey that lists those “things” people do when they have sex, then asks you to select one of the following options for each: if you are interested, if you definitely aren’t interested, if you already do those funky thangs, or if you’d do it if your partner wanted to. There are a few different sextions (eh? eh?) that separate these “things” and questions: The Basics and then Some, Playing with Toys, B.D.S.M., Anal Play, Group and Public Fun, and Other Fetishes. Each section offers one-line situations that you can consent to: “be woken up with oral sex by ___” (your partner’s name goes in the blank), “use vibrators while having sex,” “spank ___ with your hand,” “have sex in the woods or in a park,” and classics, like “blow job!” I added the exclamation point there just because every blow job deserves one.
There must be around 150 questions, which is not an exaggeration. And when you read them—or when I read them, at least—you will feel like a born again virgin, which is a feeling hard to recreate. We savor the moments of born again virginity.
The circumference of the circle made by my gaping mouth became larger and larger as the risqué increased from section to section. In order to correctly assume a position (no pun intended) on any given question, you have to picture yourself performing it. Would I really do this? Do I want to? And, of course, how would it be with him?
I’m sorry, I’m getting way too excited just thinking about reliving this moment and neglected to finish explaining the ingenious strategy at play. SO, what you do is fill out the survey as legitimately and truthfully as possible, and you send a link to your partner and he (or she) fills out the survey too, and then the little garden nymphs who work behind the desk at the Mojo Upgrade offices compare both of your answers and produce a single list of all the sex things you and your partner have either both consented to doing, or said you would be down to do if the other person was. That way, he doesn’t have to know about your weird desires if he didn’t suggest he was into it, too, and you don’t have to know how tied up he wants you if you don’t want to be tied up, and that could be a very good thing. There’s zero loss here—just a lot, lot, lot of gain.
My boyfriend could not have been more excited when I sent him the link for his part of the survey. After finishing (no pun intended again), he called me immediately. I told him how excited I was to see our results. His response: “Just letting you know, I said yes to every question.” And that’s when I realized that my boyfriend was a lot hornier than I had previously thought.
Here are some funny results from our combined survey response that I’d like to share with you:
-All of our matches in the B.D.S.M. category looked like this:
Me – if my partner is interested, Him – yes.
Me – if my partner is interested, Him – yes.
Me – if my partner is interested, Him – yes.
Me – if my partner is interested, Him – yes.
Me – if my partner is interested, Him – yes.
Me – if my partner is interested, Him – yes.
-For our Basics and then Some category, all of my responses were either “we already do that” or “if my partner is interested,” except for one single complete agreement (Mojo Upgrade highlights these in purple for you): Be more vocal during sex.
The funny thing is that this question does not imply “talking dirty,” as that was a completely different question asked. I answered yes to this one because I’m a stereotypical female who wants her partner to tell me his feelings, while he probably only put “yes” because he sees the words “vocal” and “sex” in the same sentence and gets an erection. This will likely be one of the few times in my life where romantic miscommunication prompts laughter vs. a PMS bitch fit.
There is only one way to describe him after we got our answers: BUGGING OUT. You should also consider the fact that this entire correspondence was over text and email, and it wasn’t like we were hunched over our computers, side by side, like 11-year-old boys playing World of Warcraft. I think distance made the heart (and the dick) grow fonder. Also, it’s underrated how nice it is to be the less-horny one in the relationship. I felt hotter because of my boyfriend’s inability to feel complete satisfaction without my presence. In the excitement of it all, I received the following text:
Mojo Upgrade is a highly intelligent way to ignite sexual prowess. However, you have to feel comfortable enough to initiate it in the first place. You have to have a boyfriend, or something that passes as a boyfriend, who you can send it to, because I’m assuming you’re not Mila Kunis in Friends with Benefits and you don’t have a sexy fuck buddy to whom you feel comfortable dropping a load in their Gmail inbox along the lines of, “Let’s have experimental sex and facilitate it with an internet program. Ya?”
Really, I guess, your boyfriend doesn’t know how horny you are until he asks. And I think it’s time he does.
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