by Ali MacLeod
Not twenty minutes ago, I was in one of the single-occupant restrooms in Andrews. Doing what, you ask?
Oh, you know, just powdering my nose.
I was thoroughly in my own personal bubble when someone knocked sharply on the door. Not a timid, “my-worst-fear-is-walking-in-on-someone-pooping-so-I-knock-every-time” knock. A hardy rapping of knuckles. Needless to say, I was startled. After all, my concentration was, at the moment, entirely devoted to a different, very important task.
Although I was fairly certain I had locked the door, I felt I owed the mysterious stranger some kind of response to let them know the bathroom was occupied. Unfortunately, I was so surprised by the unexpected turn of events that THIS eloquent phrase is what I came up with:
“Excuse me! Sorry! Hi! I’m in here…yeah.”
…let’s unpack that, shall we?
“Excuse me.” A fine start. “Excuse me” is, after all, a polite phrase. However, it’s polite AND 100% completely wrong for the given situation. Did I graze the anonymous knocker’s shoulder in the hallway? No. Did I need to get their attention? No. Did I fart in their presence? Well, maybe, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t hear. In fact, all that this “Excuse me” did is actually make me seem ruder than I usually am. The unusual choice of phrase, combined with the bewilderment I was undoubtedly feeling towards the sudden noise, probably made my well-intended “Excuse me” sound more like “Ex-CUSE me?!” Yes, I introduced myself to this complete stranger with the catchphrase of many a blonde middle school bully.
Moving on.
Evidently, the part of my brain that WAS switched to the on position at this point realized I had committed some kind of faux-pas. Blessedly, my mind remembered the apology word. “Sorry.” “Sorry” is pretty good, right? I could be apologizing for the whole fiasco, or just giving a polite indication that the bathroom is occupied and unfortunately, you’re going to have to control your bladder a little longer. However, as I have learned so well in my MCM courses, we have to look at this syntagmatically. “Excuse me! Sorry!” What, am I a street urchin begging for more gruel? Why does it sound like I’m asking for a favor? But angrily and loudly?
At this point, my brain had another good intention. “All right, this is going poorly,” it thought. “Why don’t we just start over?” We wanted to get to know the knocker. To learn their secrets. And to do that, we needed a reintroduction–a clean slate. So we went with “Hi.” The problem, besides the fact that “Hi” was just a really weird thing to say? At this point, I was confused, exhausted, and out of breath. So the “Hi” came out like a sigh. A breathy sigh that a teen romance heroine would let out if she bumped into her hunky crush on the way to math class. The stranger on the other side of the door definitely thinks, at this point, that I’m falling in love with them. And honestly, I might be. This has been a confusing time.
Next: “I’m in here.” This is better. At least it explains the situation. I don’t know why I decided to make it so personal, though. “I’m in here.” Who am I to this poor person, who probably just wanted to take a shit in peace? I am the person who insulted them, apologized, and declared her undying love over the course of no more than two seconds. Maybe they thought I was a friend, playing a practical joke? I can only hope.
At this point, the two-second lapse between my immediate reaction and my logical brain has passed, and I’m now fully up to speed. Fully aware of the war crime against words and social mores that I have just committed. I could try to rectify it. But that would just drag it out. Instead, I just submit to my fate with a defeated “…yeah.”
Nothing but silence on the other side. I solemnly packed up my things and opened the door. At least one part of the universe was rooting for me that day, because the anonymous knocker had already fled by the time I left the bathroom. I never have to see them again…
Unless you’re reading this right now, my love. You knock-knock-knocked on my heart. Meet me in the same bathroom where we first met. I promise I’ll let you in this time.
Images via and via Snapchat.
