I know we really don’t pay much attention to the overall effectiveness of Josiah’s eatery, a late-night establishment famous for saving the lives of many a drunk creature by injecting greasy calories into our bloodstreams, but in recent years the remodeling of campus eateries has left Jo’s sadly in the dust. The Ratty has her snazzy new salad bar, the Blue Room now blesses us with Sushi Fridays, so why am I still wandering drunk around Jo’s every Friday night, lost, hungry, and covered in a fine sheen of oil? Moisturizing or not, I owe Jo’s a favor or two in return for saving me from my choices many an evening. Didn’t we all come to Brown for the open curriculum and stay for the spicy-withs, anyway? But let’s face it: Jo’s is in dire need of a makeover.
Thus, I’ve compiled a list of ways that Jo’s may more effectively cater to its target demographic. Behold, the Jo’s of the not-so-distant future:
- Employees have the power to “cut off” a drunk person’s access to fried food. There have been countless times in my life when I truly needed an adult (a real adult, not my 19 year old self who saves up for fruit snacks) to tell me “miss, I don’t believe you are in the state of mind to order 12 mozzarella sticks”. Just ask my high-waisted jeans.
- The condiment dispenser has a built-in splash-guard. Mustard between the toes is a feeling I would not wish on my worst enemy and I’m not over the moon over BBQ down my over-the-knee boot, tbh.
- The Gourmet Grilled Cheese comes with a “just fuck me up, fam” or “do your worst” option for people who are too far-gone to make decisions about building a cohesive sandwich themselves. Extra points here for encouraging creativity.
- After midnight, there’s an Aux Cord Signup Sheet for large parties who would like to enjoy music as they stuff their drunk faces. Parameters may include “All songs over 60 bpm” or “no country from the past two decades” or similar public safety concerns.
- Non-Slip floors really just go without saying. If I had a bruise for every time I’ve slipped on ranch dressing and banged my hip on the counter I’d have a LOT OF BRUISES.
- The temperature of fries is lowered 10 degrees every 30 minutes to inversely combat the ever-dipping pain tolerance of the Jo’s public. Drunk tongues everywhere rejoice.
- The sticky sugary residue on the tables is increased by 200%, to prevent foodstuffs and/or drunk girls who think it’s cute to sit on the tables from slipping off. Similarly, the corners of the bathroom counter are sanded down to cool the age-long conflict between sharp edges and human bodies.
With these minor changes, Jo’s may soon be the streamlined deep-fried dreamland we all have imaged in our heads. Meanwhile, if we could only further our campaign for the Ivy Room to start spiking their smoothies, we’d be SET.
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