I downloaded Tinder last weekend, and my phone is burning up! Seriously, I have an Android, and this app takes up so much battery; my coat pocket is a furnace.
I went on Tinder, like many a foolish romantic, searching for “lurve”. Lurve is a term that I just coined. It’s like love, but with a self-deprecating and semi-ironic tone that shows you understand how unlikely it is that you will find what you seek. After swiping through what seemed like everyone who even drove within 5 miles of Rhode Island, I did not find what I was looking for. However, I did compile enough bizarre experiences to write a blog post, just like every other failed endeavor in my life!
EX marks the swipe
I decided midway through my Tinder obsession that I would swipe right for all of my old hook ups. Not because I was still interested, you know, just to see what happened. . . I matched with two veterans from A Series of Unfortunate Hook Ups, and initially, I was excited to still be considered alluring for two guys that had rejected me. Eventually, I realized that swiping right didn’t mean: “Caitlin, I realize now I’ve made a huge mistake and I love you,” but actually translated to: “I may be down to one-and-done that again.” Lo and behold, I am recyclable goods – like a water bottle that gets transformed into a pen, but then runs out of ink and gets tossed all over again.
Case 1:
Case 2:
I only go for the best.
There Are Plenty of Fish in the Tinder
I don’t frequent bodies of water, so I cannot attest to how many fish are actually in the sea right now, but there is a lot of aquatic life on Tinder. At least for New England, it seems like every other male profile involves the catch of the day, a boat, or a gun. I think the firearm phenomenon might be pervasive for the entire country. At first, the slimy, murdered fish as props were a turn-off, but then I grew accustomed to it… and then, I got into it. I came across a commercial fisherman, who was photographed standing next to what was easily a six foot tall finned creature, and I thought: “Damn, that’s hot.” I was ready to marry this dude, but I accidentally swiped left, and now my true love is lost.
Hot:
Not:
And potentially overcompensating?
Well, you know what they say about the size of your fish….
The Menacing Gourd
I was just minding my business (and simultaneously lowering my standards) when this fellow came into my life. At first he seemed sweet and harmless, despite his misunderstanding of food species. Apparently, he misunderstood a lot more than that.
I’ll spare you the gory, misogynist details, but the conversation went downhill from there.
Is This the Tinder Life? Is This Just Fantasy?
There are no pictures for this snippet, because the man in question ended up unmatching me. We didn’t know each other prior, and the conversation went something like this:
S: The front of yo tits is ridickulous.
Me: I don’t really know how to respond to that.
S: It’s not your beauty, it’s your boobies.
Me: Wow, you’re really looking for love on here aren’t you?
S: Hey don’t blame me, blame Tinder. I swear I’m not like this in real life lol.
PSH, yeah, he better hope he doesn’t flagrantly ignore side boob like that in real life. My chest is multifaceted sir, and all angles must be appreciated! No wonder we didn’t work out.
The One
I know that I wrote earlier about not finding what I was looking for, but this guy was pretty damn close. Only one thing kept us apart, and that was his chain-smoking habit, in conjunction with my distaste for the smell of tobacco. Nothing else. At all.
Patrick, you’re a stone cold fish turkey and I want you.
Images via Tinder.