Hey girl, I need you to press pause on your third binge-watch through Friends so we can chat.
I heard what you said to your friends. Instead of going out with them last Friday, you stayed in under the guise of “catching up on Mad Men with my boyfriend before the final season premieres.”
“Wait, what boyfriend?” they said, unaware of an update to your relationship status.
“My boyfriend Netflix, duh!”
Let me make this clear: I’m not your boyfriend. I’m not even your friend with benefits. I’m Netflix, a subscription-based online streaming service used by over ten million people.
Ten million subscribers. Let that sink in.
First of all, I couldn’t settle down with a single viewer if I tried – though if I did, it probably wouldn’t be someone who can’t stop watching Gilmore Girls like you. Your next offense is failure to even ask me about this whole “boyfriend” thing. What happened to healthy communication? Respecting the wishes of both partners? This relationship was doomed from the start! Plus, I hate the title “boyfriend.” The only titles I like are one of the thousands of titles available for instant streaming.
I get it – things are hard for you right now. The other night, you scrolled all the way to the bottom of the Indie Romance category. You even hovered your mouse over one of those weird B-movies no one’s ever heard of since you thought Jake Gyllenhaal was on the poster.
“Netflix, darling, you’ve memorized everything I love!” It seems too good to be true, I know! But that’s because I’m a heartless piece of software designed to suit your viewing needs. I might be a perfect source of personally tailored recommendations via my highly sophisticated search algorithm, but I can’t be your perfect man. Also, I don’t have a gender, so there’s that.
It probably looks like I led you on, with that “Because You Watched Shakespeare in Love” category on your front page and everything. That was pretty intimate, huh? I’m sorry for that. But please trust me when I say I have zero romantic intentions. No, last year’s Valentine’s Day premiere of House of Cards was not directed at you.
Please don’t take this personally. There are plenty of other great streaming services out there looking for loyal viewers! Hulu is a newly eligible bachelor after a nasty split with a Scandal fanatic. And Amazon Prime? I hear they have Broad City. I’m trying to let you down as gently as possible – I hope you understand that.
Although, now that I think about it, you still haven’t watched Orange is the New Black. So you’re dead to me.
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