There’s something magical and irresistible about the world of reality television. These individuals live their lives with such drama and intensity that they draw me in, eager to return each week to watch their sagas unfold. But when did these kinds of shows become “reality?” It’s sort of like those pictures of celebrities proving that they’re “just like us.” Oh yes, we have so much in common! I, too, am a celebrity wearing a Marc Jacobs bikini on the beach in Hawaii on a Wednesday. We are basically the same person! Reality TV makes me feel the same way: the people and scenarios portrayed on these shows look nothing like my reality, or the reality of the people I know. But let’s face it: who would want to watch a show about the average individual? When compared with the glitz and glamour of current reality shows, a show about ordinary people would just be…sad. Still think that maybe it would be a refreshing change? Think again. A day in the life of Starla Stardashian, the star of the hit reality television show Keeping Up With America’s Next Real Chopped Bachelorette House Hunter is a whirlwind adventure. A day in the life of Average Alice is not. How would a show about her life—called Real Lyfe, obviously—stack up next to Starla’s show? Spoiler: it’s pretty pathetic.
On Keeping Up With America’s Next Real Chopped Bachelorette House Hunter:
Starla wakes up in a king-sized bed looking flawless and refreshed. She does not need breakfast or coffee to function. She immediately heads to do a photo shoot at the bottom of the ocean with dolphins painted to look like Bengal tigers.
On Real Lyfe:
After hitting the snooze button for two hours, Average Alice rolls out of bed with messy hair and puffy eyes. She then sends pre- and post-coffee Snapchat selfies to her friends.
KUWANRCBHH:
Starla wins a cooking competition by creating a seven-tiered wedding cake out of nothing but quail eggs, some fig jam, squid tentacles, and a loaf of French bread. She donates her winnings to the charity she started to support the acting careers of rescue animals.
Real Lyfe:
Average Alice realizes there are no leftovers in the fridge and decides to make Kraft macaroni and cheese. She proceeds to burn it and has to order pizza.
KUWANRCBHH:
Starla goes on a group date with eleven men and has an instant connection with one. They get engaged, and she waves regally to show off the 5 carat diamond ring now sparkling on her left hand.
Real Lyfe:
Average Alice spends two hours cuddling with her cat and swiping on Tinder. She receives one match, but the guy thinks he is a pirate and keeps calling her “matey.”
KUWANRCBHH:
Starla flies to London for a quick lunch with her boo. While there, she sews three dresses out of vintage lace and dental floss for her new clothing line.
Real Lyfe:
After finally deciding to get dressed, Average Alice realizes that her favorite shirt is missing a button. She tapes the shirt closed because she doesn’t know how to sew. (No, not even a button).
KUWANRCBHH:
Starla takes a helicopter to Los Angeles to shop for a house with granite countertops and an open floorplan. She doesn’t want to exceed her budget of $5 million, but falls in love with the most expensive house she sees and buys it anyways. What’s a few extra million, in the grand scheme of things?
Real Lyfe:
Average Alice sits on her bed that doubles as a couch in her tiny dwelling and contemplates the lack of throw pillows. And sunlight. And granite countertops.
KUWANRCBHH:
Starla drives her custom Ferrari to her vacation home on the coast. She relaxes next to her swimming pool filled with champagne.
Real Lyfe:
Average Alice takes public transportation downtown to meet up with some friends. She tries not to think about why the seat feels damp.
KUWANRCBHH:
For dinner, Starla invites her celebrity friends over for a twelve-course feast on her private yacht. Each dish is served on rose gold platters.
Real Lyfe:
Despite getting lost twice, Average Alice eventually finds the pizza place where her friends agreed to meet. Pizza twice in one day! She decides to celebrate this accomplishment with an order of cheesy garlic bread.
KUWANRCBHH:
Starla and her new fiancé break up. She pretty cries for 10 minutes while talking to her sister on the phone, and then goes to bed, wishing that just once her life could be normal.
Real Lyfe:
Average Alice eats ice cream in bed and watches her favorite reality TV show on Netflix. This makes her sad and she thinks about just how unreal her life must be.
