I somehow ended up, through some unexplained blessing from the universe, scoring a single in the housing lottery last year despite entering solo. I’ve enjoyed living, sleeping, and farting in my own space without having to worry about someone else criticizing my weird quirks (everyone should be able to have a solo dance party to Ain’t No Mountain High Enough without being judged.)
I’ve gotten pretty used to living by myself for the past four or five months. That’s why it came as quite an unsettling shock to me when I found myself with a new roommate:
I discovered this knife after the fateful Bee Movie night I had with my friends. I suspect it originated from one of their Jo’s takeout boxes and somehow ended up making its way to my floor. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to throw the little guy out. I guess we’ll see what comes of this new living situation.
Day 1: A New Roommate
The plastic knife has been living on my floor for exactly eight hours now. While we have yet to have any quarrels, I am uncertain how we will get along in such a cramped living space. I do wonder how it’s liking its new home.
Day 2: A Loud Nuisance
I woke up in the middle of the night to the knife snoring away on the floor and I was unable to fall back asleep. I understand that snoring is uncontrollable, but I couldn’t help but be frustrated that I didn’t get my full eight hours last night! I might have irritably snapped at my roommate when it wished me a good morning.
Day 3: Tension in the Household
Today was not a good day. When I went to get out of bed this morning, I accidentally stepped on the plastic knife. It was not pleased.
Day 4: I forgot I was living with a plastic knife in my room.
Oops.
Day 5: Am I Safe Anymore?
When I got back to my room after my classes today, I heard the plastic knife muttering to itself. At first, I thought nothing of it until I heard the words “Nicole” and “eliminate” and “quietly.” Also “extra large cheese” but I have reason to believe that was unrelated. I think I shall be sleeping with my Christmas lights on tonight.
Day 6: Outlook Not So Good
I feel it watching me every second of every day, while I’m studying, while I’m eating mac and cheese. I feel it calculating every move I make, every breath I take. It’s inching closer and closer to me…
Day 7: Bliss
I decided to make the first move before the knife could. I grabbed it with my bare hands and I slam dunked it into the trash. The second I did, I felt all the tension leave my shoulders and I was no longer petrified just being in my room.
In conclusion:
I have learned several lessons from this terrifying albeit brief living situation. Do NOT under any circumstances ever try living with a roommate after living in a single for more than half a year, particularly if they are a piece of plasticware. They are not to be trusted, and if you think they’re scheming to end your life, don’t second guess your instincts. Save yourselves.
Images via Nicole Martinez.