No, I Don’t “Watch Too Much True Crime”, I’m Just Profiling My Dogs

Dogs are mysterious. What are they thinking? Why are they staring? Why are they so picky when deciding on a place to go the bathroom?

With these questions in mind, I decided to profile my own animals and shed light on the strangeness of their behavior in order to answer how this behavior would translate to being human.

Prince

Human name: Andrew (he/him)

Heterosexual (but a major ~ally~)

  • Super friendly with the ladies, still respectful (ALWAYS asks for consent..bare minimum)
  • Snowboards and skis for fun (Mountain boy from Vermont, so no surprise there) 
  • Has a sexy beard
  • Tried crack once but only for “the experience”
  • Doesn’t watch TV or use any social media 
  • Only listens to “indie” music
  • Unemployed
  • Has a DUMP TRUCK

Roosevelt

Human name: Chester (he/him)

Would say I/you/me when asked what his pronouns are

  • Voted for Trump in 2016 because he thought Hilary was “off”, but came to his senses in 2020 (albeit, as a major Bloomberg fan)
  • Just retired from being a sugar daddy, ’cause the babies were annoyed he’s hard of hearing
  • Cancer (which is funny bc he has cancer! Sorry, too soon…) 
  • Listens to classical music and country music
  • Watches soap operas for fun
  • Yells at the neighbors to shut the fuck up
  • Made some fishy investments years back
  • Has sus international connections

Soukie 

Human name: Cara de Fleur (she/her)

Lesbian

  • Vegetarian
  • Recently quit modeling, because she doesn’t like how the industry gives young girls poor body image
  • Only listens to Beyoncé, sometimes Taylor Swift
  • The jealous type in relationships
  • Aries
  • Scared of vacuums and industrial cleaners 
  • SSN: 000-45-9876
  • Taking psychology classes online at URI
  • Only pees at 1:11am/pm and 11:11am/pm

Shady ~ Nickname: Baby Shay; Other Nickname: Chicken

Human name: George (he/him); Human nickname: Chicken

Bisexual

  • Attends Brown, studying Computer Science 
  • Avid weed smoker
  • Skater boi
  • Has scraggly facial hair
  • Recently got out of a relationship 🙁 but having plenty of sex to compensate for the pain
  • Pisces
  • Birthday is 2/21/2012
  • Obsessed with Game of Thrones
  • Huge Bernie advocate

Luna

Human name: Christine (she/they)

Queer

  • Major Introvert
  • Loves cuddling
  • Hides snacks in the pantry so nobody else will steal them 
  • Cold weather is her kryptonite 
  • Capricorn (but really acts like a Virgo)
  • Leaves late at night to work at the circus… the SECRET circus…
  • Missing a form of proper identification
  • Missing birth certificate
  • Missing SSN…

Peanut ~ Nickname: Nut

Human name: Kurtis (he/they)

Pansexual

  • pReTtY bOy
  • Enjoys going to the gym, mainly to compensate for his below-average height
  • Major foodie
  • Studying English, an aspiring writer 
  • Pisces
  • Used to hook up a lot but now looking for a serious relationship
  • Works at a local coffee shop

Kenna

Human name: Megan (she/her)

Bisexual

  • Body lift enthusiast
  • Hates the snow
  • Lives in Georgia
  • Major extrovert 
  • Currently in high school, but looks 24
  • Leo
  • Bartends for fun (weird uncle owns the bar)
  • Homecoming nominee

Cinnamon ~ Nickname: Bun Bun

Human name: Simon (he/him)

Not disclosed sexual orientation

  • British
  • Cancer (but seems more like a Gemini)
  • Lives in a mansion in Halifax, England
  • Hates the outdoors
  • Has five nannies but no children
  • Goes on mysterious monthly trips to Paris

Hopefully, this information provides more insight on these dogs.

Image via and Sarah Z.

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