Dogs are mysterious. What are they thinking? Why are they staring? Why are they so picky when deciding on a place to go the bathroom?
With these questions in mind, I decided to profile my own animals and shed light on the strangeness of their behavior in order to answer how this behavior would translate to being human.
Prince
Human name: Andrew (he/him)
Heterosexual (but a major ~ally~)
- Super friendly with the ladies, still respectful (ALWAYS asks for consent..bare minimum)
- Snowboards and skis for fun (Mountain boy from Vermont, so no surprise there)
- Has a sexy beard
- Tried crack once but only for “the experience”
- Doesn’t watch TV or use any social media
- Only listens to “indie” music
- Unemployed
- Has a DUMP TRUCK
Roosevelt
Human name: Chester (he/him)
Would say I/you/me when asked what his pronouns are
- Voted for Trump in 2016 because he thought Hilary was “off”, but came to his senses in 2020 (albeit, as a major Bloomberg fan)
- Just retired from being a sugar daddy, ’cause the babies were annoyed he’s hard of hearing
- Cancer (which is funny bc he has cancer! Sorry, too soon…)
- Listens to classical music and country music
- Watches soap operas for fun
- Yells at the neighbors to shut the fuck up
- Made some fishy investments years back
- Has sus international connections
Soukie
Human name: Cara de Fleur (she/her)
Lesbian
- Vegetarian
- Recently quit modeling, because she doesn’t like how the industry gives young girls poor body image
- Only listens to Beyoncé, sometimes Taylor Swift
- The jealous type in relationships
- Aries
- Scared of vacuums and industrial cleaners
- SSN: 000-45-9876
- Taking psychology classes online at URI
- Only pees at 1:11am/pm and 11:11am/pm
Shady ~ Nickname: Baby Shay; Other Nickname: Chicken
Human name: George (he/him); Human nickname: Chicken
Bisexual
- Attends Brown, studying Computer Science
- Avid weed smoker
- Skater boi
- Has scraggly facial hair
- Recently got out of a relationship 🙁 but having plenty of sex to compensate for the pain
- Pisces
- Birthday is 2/21/2012
- Obsessed with Game of Thrones
- Huge Bernie advocate
Luna
Human name: Christine (she/they)
Queer
- Major Introvert
- Loves cuddling
- Hides snacks in the pantry so nobody else will steal them
- Cold weather is her kryptonite
- Capricorn (but really acts like a Virgo)
- Leaves late at night to work at the circus… the SECRET circus…
- Missing a form of proper identification
- Missing birth certificate
- Missing SSN…
Peanut ~ Nickname: Nut
Human name: Kurtis (he/they)
Pansexual
- pReTtY bOy
- Enjoys going to the gym, mainly to compensate for his below-average height
- Major foodie
- Studying English, an aspiring writer
- Pisces
- Used to hook up a lot but now looking for a serious relationship
- Works at a local coffee shop
Kenna
Human name: Megan (she/her)
Bisexual
- Body lift enthusiast
- Hates the snow
- Lives in Georgia
- Major extrovert
- Currently in high school, but looks 24
- Leo
- Bartends for fun (weird uncle owns the bar)
- Homecoming nominee
Cinnamon ~ Nickname: Bun Bun
Human name: Simon (he/him)
Not disclosed sexual orientation
- British
- Cancer (but seems more like a Gemini)
- Lives in a mansion in Halifax, England
- Hates the outdoors
- Has five nannies but no children
- Goes on mysterious monthly trips to Paris
Hopefully, this information provides more insight on these dogs.
Image via and Sarah Z.