Recently I’ve noticed a trend in online investigative journalism (here I use the term “investigative journalism” very loosely) – that can be best described as “trying a thing for a short amount of time and then writing about it.” Whether it’s eating burritos for every meal, only using conditioner on your hair, or drinking 96 ounces of water a day…there is a lot of experimentation happening in the field right now. As a writer of online content, I am–of course–a slave to the inexorable machine of trends. So I also couldn’t help but notice the steady stream of articles about autumnal food products: from Trader Joe’s pumpkin-flavored items to new Starbucks seasonal offerings. Being the mindless millennial that I am, I thought I might as well kill two birds with one stone and grind out something about fall too. I even threw in a clickbait-y title for maximum effect.
First, some context. Last Monday, I packed some considerably less excited friends into a Zipcar and hauled them to Barden Family Orchards. Otherwise known as the Autumnal Mecca for Families with Small Children and Brown Students Looking for Their Next Instagram. My housemates and I purchased a half-bushel of apples–if you can’t visualize how many apples that is, just picture an enormous amount of apples. An IKEA bag full of apples. A young toddler-sized sack of apples. In short, a cubic fuckton of apples. In contemplating the sheer amount of apples my household now needed to consume, I decided to embark on a challenge that was big on healthy eating and fall festivity and light on moderation. I was going to eat as many apples as possible in five days. Here’s how it went down:
Monday: 1 Apple
Okay, okay – I dropped the ball on Monday. I ate one apple (a Macoun) while picking the aforementioned cubic fuckton of apples. But I feel I absorbed the festive spirit and aesthetic of each and every apple that I picked, which was a lot. Also driving makes me nervous so my stomach felt weird already anyways.
Tuesday: 8 Apples (approximately)
After the disappointment that was Monday’s tally, I really stepped it up for the second day of this self-imposed challenge. I started off with an apple on my way to the gym. It was delicious–crisp and juicy with an apple-like bouquet and a lingering aftertaste of apple. I have no idea what kind of apple it was because once we put ‘em all in the bag I couldn’t tell the Empires from the Golden Deliciouses. Between the gym and my work shift, I ate another apple. This one was bigger and also tasted…apple-y. While at work, I ate yet another apple. Each one was better than the last. I just couldn’t get enough apples. So, after class, my friend and I made a meal of exclusively apple (and butternut squash) based products. We had apple and squash soup, pasta with apple and squash sauce and plain old applesauce. Altogether, I estimate I had approximately five apples in some sort of cooked form. Everything was going smoothly until the second bowl of applesauce. I must’ve crossed some kind of maximum threshold of apple consumption because my stomach felt like all eight apples were kicking its insides for the rest of the night. Eight apples is too many apples, folks.
Wednesday: 4 Apples (also approximately)
After the relative fiasco that was Tuesday’s eight apples and the pathetic showing of Monday’s single apple, I decided to shoot for some middle ground. I had an apple to start my day, an apple in the break during my art class and two apples’ worth of applesauce with dinner. I was really starting to get into the swing of this apple thing. I even felt I was starting to be able to distinguish one apple from another. Four apples was the ideal amount of apples – though I wasn’t exactly fulfilling my promise to eat as many apples as humanly possible, I was eating a respectable amount of apples.
Thursday: 4 Apples
Again, not really pushing the boundaries of this challenge, but doing what I felt was best for me and my body. (AKA not letting eight apples punch me in the guts.) I felt okay about weaseling out on this challenge (after only one day of real effort, no less) because that seems to be the modus operandi for us millennials. Why fight my cowardly, entitled nature? Four apples was the sweet spot: healthful, almost filling and, most importantly, not a cause of gastrointestinal distress. Though I will admit that, at this point, I had a significant amount of extra apples bouncing around my bookbag. “Shame on you!” the apples seemed to say every time I dug around for a pen. My plan was to make up for all this moderation by really going all out on Friday.
Friday: 1 (Bite of An) Apple
Hear me out, I have an explanation for this. In the morning, I chose a breakfast apple. But when I bit into that apple, it was mealy. Like, squishy and grainy. Honestly if you don’t know what I’m talking about you just won’t understand and I can’t justify this to you. But if you do know what I’m talking about, then you get it. Once you bite into a mealy apple, it’s hard to force yourself to try any more apples. I lacked the mental fortitude to continue eating apples after the disgusting sensation of that first mushy bite. I let you down, I let myself down, I let “investigative journalism” down, I let the internet down and I let the festive spirit of fall down. And for that I am sorry.
So, what are my takeaways from this experience? My skin is not clearer, my hair is not softer, I did not lose any weight, and overall I only averaged around 3.5 apples a day. I’d say the most important thing I learned is my own limits when it comes to apple consumption. And in this time of mass consumerism, greed and strife, we must all remember that the true meaning of fall is moderation.
Eight apples in eight hours will fuck you up, folks.