A few nights ago, I was sitting on my roommate’s bed. As we frantically made last minute changes to our schedules, I suddenly had an epiphany.
“Transferring schools is kind of like being drunk,” I said. When I explained my thinking behind this (intellectually stimulating) metaphor, she suggested I write a Rib article on it like ASAP, so this knowledge could be spread with the rest of the world.
So, this article is dedicated to the #nextgen of transfers (otherwise known as transfs), in order to help you navigate the biggest hangover of your life, AKA transferring.
My advanced theory of thought is divided into two stages. The first is entitled “Being Drunk” and the second is entitled “The Hangover.”
Stage 1: Being Drunk. This summarizes your first, or possibly first and second (if you really don’t have your shit together) semesters at Brown. During this time, one may exhibit behaviors typically displayed by an inebriated person, according to WebMD, such as:
1. Euphoria: Often characterized by unnatural enthusiasm and excitement to be in a school you actually like (??!!!!), excessive hugging of people you’ve known for approximately a month, eagerness to participate in any and all activities (#CLUBS #ORGANIZATIONS #IsitpossibleformetogainleadershiproleseventhoughItransferred?).
2. Problems with Coordination: If you have ever fumbled down the street with a textbook you bought during shopping period (do you even go here?) or experienced asking someone two grades younger than you where “Smith Boonononono Hall” is, this one is for you.
3. Nausea or Vomiting: Ok so this may not be your vomit, but you will certainly see someone else’s vomit in the Freshman dorm you have been placed in, even though you are 100% a sophomore. Shout out to #ResLife and #Keeney.
4. Rapid Involuntary Eye Movement: Hellooo, Activities Fair. Can y’all make a less overwhelming version of this for transfs? K thx.
5. Slurred Speech: This will inevitably develop once you have answered the question, “So why did you transfer?” upwards of 14580 times. “I promise I loved my old school and had a lot of friends and am not weird, I was just like really drawn to the #OpenCurriculum, ya know?” is the one and only appropriate answer.
*Note: Your friends from your #oldschool will ask you this question too. In this (v awkward!) situation, the appropriate responses are any of the following: 1. “I have no idea, I like don’t even remember applying!!!” 2. “Ugh Idk, my parents just made me go because it’s like technically a better school I guess maybe sort of a little.” 3. If you attended a certain midwestern school whose colors are blue and a type of corn, you may also elect to respond solely in hashtags such as #ForeverGoBlue #TheMichiganDifference #GoBlueOrGoHome, and repeat these until everyone walks away.
I didn’t go home but I did go to Brown…?
Eventually, you may even experience:
6. Blackout: Characterized by remembering approximately 5% of your night first semester at Brown.
Which leads me to the next phase: your 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th semesters at Brown. Yeah, no 6th to 8th semesters for us. Sad!
Stage 2: The Hangover:
1. Headache or Muscle Aches: This symptom typically begins upon waking up the next morning semester, and realizing that you not only have to find an off-campus house and an internship, but you also must declare your concentration (and remember to say concentration, not major) like ASAP. Plz pass the aspirin.
2. Thirst: This is a thirst of the #mind, not a thirst of the #throat…and this may have been one of the more uncomfortable sentences I’ve written for The Rib. Moving along. Not only was that first semester a blur but ALSO apparently you’ve missed like 3 semesters of social drama, #friendmaking, and learning which professors you should avoid. How do you catch up?? The thirst is real #af.
3. Fatigue and Weakness: If you are still using the transfer excuse to get into classes by your 3rd semester, I’m sorry but you are #weak. See above photo.
4. Poor Sleep or Decreased Ability to Concentrate: A result of any or all of the following thoughts: I have 5 semesters left for the 24 classes I want to take! Can I apply for this leadership position plz !!! Can someone once and for all explain Brown’s meal plan? Oh, non-transfers don’t get it either? Sweet. Wait, is a thesis a thing I should do?
And while transferring may bless you with the wildest night of your life, and the longest hangover everrr, it will all be worth it in the end. Just remember to stay hydrated throughout the day and eat a good breakfast!