Audrey Hepburn probably said something about how a lady’s undergarments say the most about her. She was a wise and classy lady, that Audrey. Throughout history it’s been common knowledge that when a woman’s underwear and bra match, she’s going to have the best day ever. Even if she has a funeral to attend, her matching bra-and-panty set will be there to ease her through the loss of her Uncle Larry. But what do other types of undergarment arrangements do? For about a week, I carried out a very scientific experiment to establish an undies profile so that you can Choose Your Own Destiny when you Choose Your Panty.
High-waisted granny panties – Why did we ever stop wearing these? They’re kind of hot! They’re great for wearing dresses when you don’t have a thong because they won’t show any panty lines. They also make you feel like you’re a cute girl in the 60s sans racism and sexism. These panties also work as parachutes in case of an emergency, and are a nice layer for when the Providence weather decides it should be cold. I wore these and had total self-confidence as I was ignored when talking to this guy I kind of like.
The verdict: You will have a great time feeling like you’re in an old-timey movie. Others will sense your newfound je ne sais quoi and you’ll be the object of their desires.
Simple cotton briefs – I regret wearing these. That day was a shitty day. I matched the underwear with a simple cotton bra and I’ve never felt more normal. I did all my homework that day, worked out, and might as well have gone to a Tupperware sale. While my friends went and partied on a weeknight, I put on a sweatshirt and thought about what I’ll write in my will.
The verdict: You are too young for this. You can do better and you know it. At least get them with a design or something.
Second sexiest pair of underwear you own – What makes a sexy pair of underwear depends on the person. For me, my favorite pair is actually a lacey purple thing, but alas, it was dirty. So I decided to wear my second sexiest pair and let me tell you, I had a freaking great day. Had my main pair been clean, I don’t think I could have handled the power of the lace. Three great things happened that day: cute guy I’ve been eyeing in class TALKED TO ME. Granted, I was sweaty because I ran to class because I was late, but it still happened and nobody can take that from me. Second, I had a great time at a Tove Lo concert. Tove flashed her perfect breasts at the crowd and I was at the less disturbing end of a really long grind train. Third, I had a V-Dub waffle.
The verdict: Wear your sexy underwear more often. It’s powerful stuff.
Boy shorts – I got FREE dinner, dessert, cider, and also an extra long coupon at CVS.
The verdict: Patriarchal benefits run deep. Definitely try these out more often. Forget the panties. Also, for the record, I think I hate the word panty.
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