We’ve all been there. Your best friend is now officially dating someone, thus breaking the unspoken agreement you had (staying single until both of you met hot British twins whom you’d someday marry in a June Wedding at The Plaza). But now, you’re the third wheel. You no longer have an automatic plus one. You have nobody to eye cute people at parties with. You find yourself saying cliched things like “I don’t need anyone, I’m happy being single!” and “I’m taking some time to figure out what I want.” And yes, that’s valid. But what if you could figure out how to third wheel? What if you could get the best out of a relationship without doing all the work?
Say you are feeling really lonely one night but have nowhere to go to. As a successful third wheel, you can call your friend and her boyfriend and ask them to hang out to watch Netflix. Or maybe you have no lunch plans and don’t want to eat alone. The solution? Drop in on your friends’ “cute picnic.” You deserve romance, too!
Don’t know how to begin? Don’t want to be an embarrassing single dork? Don’t worry. I asked my roommate and her boyfriend out on a date (Den Den, for lunch) so that you have a blueprint on how third-wheeling really works.
- Choose wisely. Not every relationship is conducive to free riding. The couple who is pretty independent, doesn’t have every class together, or doesn’t spend every waking moment together is not your best choice. Pick the people who have become an inseparable “and” item like “Ross and Rachel”, “Edward and Bella,” or “Spongebob and Patrick.” You can be sure that they will always be together, and that they have some sort of plan for a night out or for dinner!
- Go with the flow. So you’ve chosen a couple. Now, to successfully get in on the relationship, just let them be. Don’t force anything. If they’re being lovey-dovey, don’t complain. They will get tired. If you complain, it only feeds the monsters they’ve become. When you wait it out, they will compliment you! You might also get free stuff in the long run. Maybe they Uber to a place you’d normally walk to (Den Den), or they get a large appetizer that you normally wouldn’t order. #sweet.
- Go with the flow, but know your limits. This is obviously not a threesome. Please do not mislead people into this. (Unless you’re into that, in which case, hmu.) Set limits! For example, if you go to a restaurant, make sure you sit where you want. Don’t give into normative societal seating arrangements. I don’t care if you are married; when we go out to eat, *I* get the booth. To be fair, I’ll race you to it, but if I snatch it first, your relationship will be put to the test to decide who of you is the most selfish. This is a prime example of how third wheeling gets you the goods (company) without having to do the work (booth fight).
- Find common ground for conversation. Maybe your couple is concentrating in Computer Science and won’t stop talking about processors or forks or user interfaces or some shit. Bring up that one episode of Bob’s Burgers that everyone loved. Fuck their CS problems.
- Remind yourself it’s not weird. You are all friends. It’s just that two of you happen to be going out. It’s fine. Lots of people have group texts with just their roommate and her boyfriend. It’s not weird if you don’t make it weird. Just don’t share lollipops. That’ll be your one regret.
Images via, and Daniella Balarezo.
