Welcome back seniors (and some of you wild and crazy juniors who have a lust for life and a hankering to start #adulting prematurely).
It’s hard out here in the real world. Trying to manage eating when you have to walk halfway across the world to get to campus and wash your dishes every time you eat is no easy feat. After 3 years of being coddled like a helpless infant, coming off meal plan is truly such a rude awakening.
But have no fear! Here is The Rib’s guide to staying fed when you’re left high and dry and meal-plan-less:
1. Manipulate underclassmen
“Yea I’d love to grab a meal and catch up!.. Oh where? I’m not really sure… I’m off meal plan this semester, so it doesn’t really matter. Yea that means I have to bring food from home. I know, it’s so rough..”
*For dramatic effect, we recommend here that you sink lower and lower to the ground until you are on the floor, publicly groveling and wallowing in your own self pity*
At this point, your underclassman friend, peer, advisee, sibling, or whatever their relationship to you may be, should offer up one of their delectable meal swipes to your sad self. I mean, they want the pleasure of your company, don’t they? Or just the social capital of eating with an upperclassman.
Dearest underclassmen reading this, please take pity on your off-meal-plan-upperclassmen. Remember this will come back to you in a beautiful karmic circle when you’re sad, washed up, and relying on your own self-organization and budgeting to be fed. Give some of those swipes you are certainly not using to an elder in need <3
2. Find free food! Around campus!
Sure, maybe you reek of desperation and lack the inability to sufficiently feed yourself like a real adult human person. But if anyone looks at you funny, remind them that you don’t have the protection of a meal plan filling up your tummy and tucking you in at night all full and jubilant.
Luckily for us, Brown has a massive endowment that they LOVE to share with their student groups (The Rib got a whopping $75 this year! Stay tuned for the amazing events we have planned). If you keep your eye on your inbox, Today@Brown, and of course the most reliable source of campus information, Sidechat, you’ll soon realize there is no shortage of meals across campus just waiting for you to get your grubby little hands on.
Be warned: some groups may demand something of you in exchange for a little treat, such as a conversation about something you know/care very little about (probably Christianity, but they are actually so sweet so no h8 here). You may even find yourself in an odd situation:
It may seem ominous, but learning how to manage your shame is actually a virtue.
3. Solicit food on dating apps
What’s more appetizing than a free meal funded by a mediocre man from Cranston? Or better yet, someone in your bio lecture that you’re gonna have to avoid eye contact with for the rest of the semester after you so obviously used their affection as currency for a free iced matcha latte with oat milk from Ceremony?
What…. No…. I’ve obviously never done this, I just have an incredible imagination and a compulsion for swiping right on people I know in real life, duh.
4. Watch The Bear
The Bear’s name was actually inspired by Bruno, since bears don’t really exist outside of Brown’s universe. And with the wet, hot air engulfing us these past few weeks, it sure does feel like we’re in a sweaty kitchen in Chicago. Why not indulge in the show’s food porn to make you feel a little better? It’s like solidarity or something.
Sure, it won’tt get you fed. It also might trigger some feelings of regret or sorrow when you realize you will not be going to a Michelin star restaurant anytime soon (unless you’re in that 56%*** of students off financial aid – who knows how the other half lives). But maybe you’ll be inspired to yes-chef it up yourself.
Unfortunately, that is all I managed to come up with. I guess the easiest way to stay fed off meal plan is in fact to buy groceries and learn how to manage your time like a real adult person. But if you’re cheap and lazy and have strong willpower, there are at least 4 ways to fill that belly uppppppdawg.