I first learned about the communicative power of candy when my first grade teacher passed out Smarties before a spelling test. Wow, I thought, sugar= knowledge. Sugar can also mean love (Hershey Kisses), friendship (Sour Patch Kids), and “We’re in the same first grade class so here’s some Fun Dip. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
As I got older and realized that life isn’t all rainbows and lollipops, I found myself wanting to tell the mean and annoying people in my life what I thought of them. Because the filter on my mouth prevents me from actually speaking the words, “I can’t stand you,” I decided to see if some of my ruder thoughts could be tactfully articulated with sugar and food coloring. So I did some research and found some of the weirdest, most expressive products out there. With the help of the following list, you too can say in candy what you’re too polite to say in words.
For the friend who insists on watching the Oscars from start to finish, no breaks:
Depending on how you present the TV Dinner Gumballs, this gesture can mean one of two things:
“You lazy bum. Get off the couch before you start eating TV Dinners for real.”
“We used to be like sisters! Remember when we ate dinner at a table like a real family? Now you’ve replaced me with the cast of Boyhood.”
For anyone who has ever told you to “grow a pair:”
These are the perfect way to say, “Screw you! Two can play that game.” Deliver the Bubble Gum Camel Balls with a cynical smile for maximum impact.
For that guy in the library you just know was a murderer in his past life:
Slide the tube towards the suspect in a surreptitious manner. Simultaneously raise one eyebrow as if to say, “Your secret’s out, man. I know.”
For the relative who insists on hosting Thanksgiving but is a terrible cook:
This poses as a charming hostess gift, but with a sharp subtext that says, “Your food is awful. I make it through dinner by keeping dessert in my mind’s eye, but even your pumpkin pie tastes like gravy.”
For the lunch buddy whose food combinations totally gross you out:
“Yeah, that’s right—seafood and fruit all mixed together. Almost as gross as your peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches!”
For the kid you don’t understand and never will:
Pickle candy canes are a mix of opposites that don’t quite attract. Sweet and sour I could understand. But sweet and pickly? I don’t think so. Give these to the person to whom you’ve been dying to say, “Dude, what’s your deal?”
For your ex after a rough breakup:
This one is pretty self-explanatory. “Delicious little turd shaped morsels of gummy candy?” Eat shit.
For your mortal enemy:
Think long and hard before giving these to anyone; they were recalled from shelves for containing lead…