In an age where social media reigns supreme, self-portrayal is everything. What you post is who you are, and it’s important people know that who you are is a vehement political activist–even though all you really want to do is pour a few back and text Trey asking if he’s DTF. Follow these guidelines to organize your social media in a way that makes you seem woke, even though we all know what’s really on your mind.
1. Make Sure To Post At Least Twice A Week
Doing this will make sure that people know that you’re a woke girl and that you’re not just thinking about how you are dying to cut loose and text Trey. “U up” can wait until the Democrats take back the House!
2. You Can Post Pictures Of Yourself, As Long As You’re Wearing A T-shirt With A Message
You want your face to be associated with the right side of history so that when people see you walking around they know. It’s a slippery slope to plain narcissism though, so it’s imperative you wear a tee with a progressive political message (ex: “I’m With Her,” “I’m Still With Her,” “I’ll Always Be With Her” etc.). Your Facebook friends will see your face and immediately think “Hmm… liberal… good.” Plus, when Trey sees your picture on his Timeline he’ll be reminded you exist and maybe even shoot you a text. You may be waiting a while, but try to stay woke and not get shit-faced.
3. Keep Your Posts Varied
Variety is key. Yes, there is literally only one thing on your mind, but it would be a huge turn-off for Trey if you only posted about how badly you wanted him and that you’re too shy to tell him sober. Imagine the embarrassment! When your Facebook friends see you they would probably think “Hmm… psycho… bad.” Luckily, the solution is simple: Post about a range of issues from climate change to gun control, abortion rights to the housing crisis. Neither Trey nor anyone else will have any idea how one-track minded you are!
4. Share NowThis Videos
Everyone knows that if you’ve ever shared a NowThis video, you’re really smart and you definitely know your politics. Since being up-to-date with current events is basically a full-time job, it follows that if you share a few NowThis videos on Facebook, people will think you’re just too busy to get drunk and text Trey. Even better, Trey will probably want you even more for it, because what guy doesn’t want a smart, opinionated girl? You won’t need to get blackout drunk to text Trey because he will probably hit you up to ask about your perspective on the Israel/Palestine conflict before night’s end. Way to go!
5. Attend Progressive Demonstrations And Post Pictures From Them
By this point we’ve established that you’re a drunk who’s obsessed with Trey, which is honestly an exhausting personality trait that makes you seem kind of boring. But! There is hope. If you can manage to pick yourself up from behind your computer, drink a cup of coffee, and get out there to a real protest or march, not only will you be doing something good for humanity, but you’ll be taking pictures of yourself doing something good for humanity that you can share with your friends on Facebook! No one would even think about your relationship with Trey, and there’s a small chance you might forget about him, too.
There is still hope for you if you follow these five simple tips. Yes, all you want to do is get so drunk you can’t remember your own name and use it as a risky excuse to text Trey, but America can’t wait for people like you. Following these steps will catch you up to speed with the rest of progressive America–and there is no way forward (and away from Trey) but together!
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