I recently learned about a certain Brown student who chose to switch roommates because the other person was keeping her up at night by—wait for it—crunching potato chips!
At what point does this become such a problem that the roommate becomes intolerable? After a few nights of midnight potato chip noises, wouldn’t you ask your roommate to stop eating crunchy snacks while you were trying to sleep?
I can’t help but think about the other side of the story. Was the potato chip chomper intentionally trying to drive her roommate away? And if so, what are some other imaginative ways that one could go about ejecting a roommate? The traditional ways (hygiene issues, constant presence of your significant other) are so mainstream. You’re just not about that, you know? You like to think of yourself as a free spirit. The potato chip method is creative, sure, but it’s already been taken! Don’t worry: I’ve got you covered.
One route you can take is what I like to call “Dollar Store Frenzy.” Take a trip to the nearest dollar store and stock up on as many decorations as you can—the weirder the better. I’m talking about wolf posters, Chinese cat dolls with nodding heads, and framed pictures of smiling cherubs with curly hair. While your roommate is in class, arrange the decorations in your dorm room so that there are no blank spaces on the cinder block walls and not a square inch of wood peeking through on the desks. Await your roommate’s return with a tall glass of iced tea. Upon her arrival, she will likely ask about the hideous transformation of what was once a calm, if not entirely cozy, place to sleep. Your best response is to insist that you have no idea what she’s talking about. “Unicorn blanket on the ceiling, you say? I don’t see anything.”
If you consider yourself more of a photographer than a curator, you may want to try the “Sleeping Beauty” approach. This requires a certain amount of patience, but is extremely effective. Over the course of a month or two, take a picture of your roommate as she sleeps every night. Once you’ve accumulated a sizable collection, print out the photos (enlarged to poster size, of course) and post one on the door of everyone in your hall.
The option that gives you the most artistic license is the “Just Plain Weird” approach. It’s a three-pronged move, and encourages you to really get those creative juices flowing. Have fun with it! Step one: select a hobby that is both eccentric and disruptive. Playing the bagpipes, Jackson Pollock-style painting, and baton twirling are excellent examples. Step two: dress yourself in an equally eccentric and disruptive costume, but not one that matches your chosen hobby. For instance, you would not want to play the bagpipes wearing a kilt. A ballerina tutu with a coconut bra on top would be a more appropriate choice. Step three: memorize your roommate’s schedule and make sure that whenever she’s in the dorm, you are in the room wearing that costume and working that hobby. You don’t have to be skilled at the activity. In fact, the worse you are at it, the better.
Each of the options outlined above are great on their own, but are even more effective when performed simultaneously. Good luck!
Image via.