A couple weeks ago, I was walking across the Main Green when I heard a girl ask her friend, “How do you sexualize a lion?” This question really surprised me, as I was unaware my fellow students were struggling with it. It just seems so obvious. I happen to know of several ways to sexualize lions, so for the benefit of that poor girl who was wondering, as well as for anybody else who might be lacking this information, here it is. These are a few of the ways with which one can go about sexualizing a lion:
- Put it in a thong. Everything’s sexier in a thong, right? That’s why the thong is the staple of every stripper outfit, male or female. You put something in a thong, and BAM, its sexiness level increases by a factor of ten thousand. Try it on a friend! Try it on some broccoli! Most importantly, try it on a lion! You’ll see. Suddenly, everything can be sexy. You’ve just discovered a whole new world.
- Aim a fan at it. Dat mane, though, amirite? Look at it lusciously flowing in the wind. So thick. So silky. So easy breezy beautiful covergirl. There’s a reason this majestic beast rules the animal kingdom, and that hair right there? That’s it. There’s nothing sexier than lion locks.
- Rethink your definition of the word lion. The Latin word for lion is “leo.” So essentially, all lions are leos and all leos are lions. There are plenty of sexy Leos out there! Here’s one:
Here’s another:
- If all else fails, watch National Geographic. Those lions get down and dirty. Go on, I know you want to. You can come back and thank me later.