Fallelujah – it’s that time of year again! As we usher in Christian girl autumn, it’s time to live, laugh, and love your way through the next few months with a tousled braid in your hair and a Starbucks cup in your hand.
The leaves are changing colour, and haven’t you heard? Fall in New England is, like, the most beautiful place on Earth for two weeks of the year. Pumpkin is appearing in all foodstuffs and will continue to do so until early December for absolutely no reason at all, and your Instagram feed is littered with white people frolicking in apple orchards and hay bales. Your hands smell like cinnamon from the stolen Bath and Body Works hand sanitiser that has left a glittery residue in its wake. Fall has #fallen.
The arrival of fall also brings with it America’s greatest holiday: Halloween. Whilst once a fun day dedicated to eating as much candy as physically possible, Halloween, with age, has morphed into a three-day bender where you are expected to show up looking scary/hot/funny/culturally relevant/all of the above.
As you sift your way through a whole host of cancellable Halloween costumes, you decide that an animal is your safest bet. You are unlikely to offend anyone (unless you try really hard), and will be able to avoid the mildly degrading question “and what are you supposed to be?” all night. So, you decide to go crazy go stupid and dress up as an animal. But sexy. A sexy animal. That makes sense, right?
Because I am terribly kind (and am due to write a post), I have taken it upon myself to shoulder some of the burden and make a pros and cons list to help you find your perfect costume. Thank me later with money.
Cat:
| Pros: | Cons: |
| Minimal effort | This is fully just a less hot version of Catwoman |
| I challenge you to find someone who cannot pull off an all-black ensemble plus cat ears | I will assume that you don’t have a personality (and I will probably be right). This is the world’s most boring Halloween costume. Please do better |
Mouse:
| Pros: | Cons: |
| Pink and grey is a very fun colour scheme! You can finally dress like the (sophisticated but a little tacky) teenage girl bedroom of your dreams | This screams ‘Karen from Mean Girls’, so people may assume that you’re unoriginal/the stupid friend |
| Cartoon mice are adorable! Cinderella and Ratatouille have shone a bright light on the rodent world and now, you can too | Real life mice are literal terrorists. They scurry across the Main Green in the day and live in the pipes of your dorm room at night |
Lobster:
| Pros: | Cons: |
| Culturally relevant in New England | Lobsters are – dare I say it – overpriced and not that good? Plus, lobster-eating bibs are upsetting and embarrassing and make grown adults look like children who haven’t yet learned how to chew |
| Your hands will stay warm in a pair of obnoxiously large lobster claw gloves. What fun! | You’re dressed as a lobster |
Ratty Skunk:
| Pros: | Cons: |
| Exudes sexual dominance | N/A |
So, there you have it! A conclusive list of all the pros and cons of animal costumes. Now go forth and order a $10 haul of accessories from SHEIN, the production of which will likely contribute to the warming of our earth and the rising of our sea levels. Happy holidays!
Image via.