Are you a rich, famous, pretentious, attractive individual? Of course you’re not! You’re a bloated college student whose diet consists of Jo’s mozzy sticks, and your favorite workout is frequent masturbation. Fret not. This article will help you cleanse your body, mind, and spirit just in time for upcoming finals season by channeling Gwyneth Paltrow, mediocre actress and self proclaimed lifestyle guru. And all on a student budget!
- Drink Gwyneth’s Budget Goop Smoothie
Gwyneth drinks a $200 smoothie every morning for breakfast. Wow, that really puts my Ratty bagel to shame. The ingredients that go into this smoothie are probably worth the equivalent of one of your textbooks.
I’m sure I know exactly what you’re thinking: what the fuck is moon dust? What a great question! Moon Dust is some kind of juice Gwyn sells on GOOP, her lifestyle magazine, that only rich people can afford, and there are many different types, such as Sex Dust and Spirit Dust. Damn, I could’ve really done with some Brain Dust during Econ last semester.
Can we manage Gwyn’s smoothie using just the ingredients at Brown University? You bet we can!
- Almond milk: hazelnut creamer from the Ratty. All nuts are the same, right?
- Vanilla mushroom protein powder: shrooms. Ask around the humanities frats or the theatre geeks.
- Maca, Ashwagandha, Ho shou wu, Cordyceps: according to Google, these are all various herbs, plants, and fungi. I’d suggest opening a packet of green tea from the Ratty and dumping it right in your smoothie. Love them leaves.
- Moon dust: Earth dust. Aka, take a scoop of dirt from the Main Green and voila. I daresay my substitution would probably be more potent, because planet dust > moon dust. Paltrow’s people should give me a call.
2. Bless Your Makeup With Good Intentions
This is exactly what you think it might be. An excerpt from GOOP:
That’s right. Gwyenth Paltrow wants me to pray and meditate over my makeup so I can properly nourish my emotional happiness and hide my hangover during my Monday morning seminar. This doesn’t cost any money but I decided to test it out for you guys.
Here is a pic of my makeup after being blessed. Peep the yellowish tinge indicating it is infused with positive energy and holiness.
Makeup look without blessing:
Makeup look with blessing:
Wow! Look at that glow up! Thanks Gwyneth!
3. Buy Your Friends Ridiculously Expensive and Impractical Gifts
Gywneth wants you buy people’s love and friendship through expensive and impractical gifts. Here are a couple of her suggestions:.
Akari Gold Massager
For those of you who don’t have money lying around to spend on a glorified sex toy covered in gold leaf, order a cheap dildo from Amazon and paint it gold with your sister’s magic markers. Boom.
A Literal Hot Air Balloon Ride in Space
Alternatively, go to the top floor of the Sci Li with your loved one and serenely gaze out at the quaint beauty of Thayer Street.
4. Steam Your Vagina
I can personally say I’ve never been concerned about my uterus’s aura or energy level, but it’s an intriguing concept. Not sure if there’s a budget college alternative for this. Wash thoroughly?
Follow these easy peasy steps and you too can be the subject of my unbridled hatred!
