How To Be A Sick Freshman

Every freshman gets a cold the first month of college. At least that’s what I tell myself, so that I don’t feel like a loser when I stay in bed and miss class three weeks into my college experience. I learned many important things from my authentic college cold, and I’m ready to share my juicy secrets and survival tips for getting through three days of sniffling and lethargy.

1. Visit CVS

This is the first step to pretending I’m a completely independent adult. Living next to a CVS is a godsend for late night snacking and the purchasing of random drugstore items. However, I also thoroughly enjoy spending an hour in the “Cough & Cold” aisle. Patiently reading every ingredient list and Googling supplements, I feel confident in my life choices as I decide to grab Tylenol, ibuprofen, and Vitamin C.

2. Contemplate Doing Homework

After getting my meds, I must give in to my desire to change into sweatpants and a t-shirt. I snuggle under the covers even though it’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon and think about doing homework. At this point, I know I’m not going to bother doing anything, but I might as well honor the unfinished assignments by letting them cross my mind. I cover my entire body in blankets and mindlessly scroll through Reddit and Buzzfeed until I succumb to sleep a few hours later.

3. Guiltily Turn Off My Alarm and Skip Class

I wake up to my morning alarm and quickly understand that I’m not going to class today. My nose is too runny and my body is too achy to think about anything intellectual. I am nervous about missing my massive lecture hall class, but not enough to lift my head from the pillow.

4. Lie in Bed and Watch Netflix

When I wake up in an afternoon haze, I courageously reach my hand over to my day-old muffin for a big crumbly bite and then lift my computer onto my lap. I know that Netflix is only a few clicks away, so I let muscle memory do its thing and start in on my newest favorite show. Halfway through my Netflix binge, I realize that I’ve run out of tissues. I consider crying about this fact, but that would require more tissues. I breathe slowly and moan quietly at the thought of having to put on shoes and walk 0.1 miles to get more tissues.

5. Visit CVS Again

I get to CVS and forget what I came to purchase. I end up buying cheese. Something that makes me forget that I’m sick. There’s nothing like enjoying a tiny salty wheel of dairy goodness to make the pain go away.

6. Call My Parents

I give in and call my parents. I need their reassurance that I have to rest and take care of myself as an excuse to watch more Netflix. I also use their guidance to resist going out at 1 am, so I guess this is ultimately a win. I sleep more and wake up feeling just a little less miserable the next day.

7. Attend Section

I always attend homework sections because I like not having to actually do homework by myself. Thus, I drag myself out of bed, bundle up in the warmest clothing anyone has dared to wear in sixty degree weather, and hide my illness by sitting quietly in section. I feel productive and simultaneously ignore the possibility that I just infected a dozen more people. It’s okay though, because I’m almost better, and those fuckers will show up next week to get me sick again anyways.

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