I’d like to start off by saying that I am short. I’m 4’9 to be precise. I’m currently awaiting results from Ancestry.com to see whether or not my relatives were originally from the Shire.
Regardless of my height, cars have always stopped for me when I cross the road. Sure, sometimes they’ll honk if I accidentally drop my Chapstick and stop to pick it up (moisturizing is important!), but I’ve never almost been hit or anything of the sort.
But, this past Thursday, I nearly got run over by no less than two cars! Two near death experiences in one day! I felt like Bella Swan.
Seriously, I’m certain I made direct eye contact with the first guy. He just kept on driving his stupid puke-colored car and would’ve barreled right into me if I hadn’t leaped onto the sidewalk. I tried cursing him out but he just sped right past and denied me the satisfaction. The second instance was similar, except that it happened while I was crossing the street to get to CVS. I can’t believe I almost died for a cucumber face-mask.
It seems pretty suspicious that this was first time I’ve ever been nearly run over, and later that same day it happened again. The only logical explanation I can offer is that my invisibility powers have finally kicked in. I must say, I’m mildly disappointed that they didn’t appear when I accidentally cut the cheese during my 4th grade English class.
I feel invisibility is a tricky thing and we all, at some point or another, have come to experience it. I bet you’re asking: how do we know if we’re invisible or if people just suck at driving? Is there a way to rate our invisibility in different situations?
All good questions. While I’m not an expert in the field, I’ll try my best to answer them.
A Comprehensive Rating of How Invisible You Are on a Daily Basis:
1. Almost being run over by a car while the driver’s looking straight at you:
9/10: If this man isn’t distracted by Chinese takeout in his lap or a text on his phone and he still manages to nearly run you over, you’ve clearly mastered the art of invisibility. One note: being invisible in this situation can be rather, well, dangerous. I recommend staying visible while crossing the streets.
2. Raising your hand in class while your professor’s eyes just slide past you:
3/10: Sorry, nothing supernatural going on here. Chances are your professor just doesn’t like you. Maybe it’s because when you’re not raising your hand, you’re too busy seeing how many times you can go to the bathroom in one class period before they start side-eyeing you. Or that might just be me. Oops.
3. Your waiter forgets to refill your water glass:
6/10: I’ve seen waiters flood restaurants trying to ensure that their paying patrons remain hydrated for the duration of their meal. If your glass remains untouched while they’re making their usual rounds, I congratulate you on your skills of invisibility.
4. Making a joke in class/among your group of friends but having no one laugh:
10/10: There’s no way that joke wasn’t freakin’ hilarious. Like, seriously, you’re one of the funniest people ever. It’s outrageous and unfathomable to think your witty quip was met with a long silence and an awkward cough.
The only plausible explanation here is that your invisibility skills were on fire that day. That’s all. I have nothing to worry about. I’M STILL FUNNY.
5. Not having your brain eaten during the zombie apocalypse:
8/10
There’s definitely a silver lining in this one!
6. Having someone sit on you:
11/10
I definitely thought this only happened in the movies, not in real life. However, this happened several times in high school to one of my best friends. Apparently, she’d just be sitting on a bench minding her own business, eating her lunch, when someone would literally sit on her then jump up again and apologize profusely.
Since she’s practically 5’8, we can conclude her invisibility was behind this.
Enjoy your newfound powers. Use them for good and definitely not for sneaking into class thirty minutes late.
