What do you get when you combine calculated cool with down-to-Earth simplicity? The chicken burrito bowl. And you gotta love how Hillary Clinton’s supposedly “incognito” visit to a Chipotle on the campaign trail sparked widespread media coverage. A USA Today article by William Cummings ironically headlined “Hillary Clinton goes unnoticed in Ohio Chipotle” unpacks the circumstances behind the surreptitious lunch that ended up broadcast on national news outlets.
As I was sitting down with my very own burrito bowl (spicy and mild salsas, please, and yes I am well aware that guacamole costs extra) at the Thayer Street Chipotle in our beloved Providence, my foot brushed against something. Reaching down, I picked up a blue spiral notebook with silver embossed letters reading “Clinton Campaign Strategy: Fast Food Division.” For a moment, I was in shock. Then I remembered that I was in a Chipotle, and – as everyone already knows – every single Chipotle is simply a wormhole that leads to the same location somewhere in the fourth dimension… In effect, I was in this Chipotle, Hillary’s Chipotle, and every other Chipotle that had ever existed.
But I digress. The point is: I miraculously obtained Hillary’s Campaign Strategist’s notes on the fast food angle of her presidential campaign. What follows has been transcribed from that notebook, and represents the Strategist’s responses to some specific quotes in the USA Today article and its accompanying video. Judging by the tone, I’m guessing that the remarks were meant for an encouraging presentation to the rest of the staff.
- “If a presidential candidate goes to Chipotle for lunch and nobody notices, did it really happen? Well, yeah, because the press was all over it.”
You bet it did! We made sure of that. The thing is, if the visit really goes unnoticed, why bother? Ain’t nobody got time for that. But if it looks like it’s a premeditated stroke of homey goodness for the sole sake of remaking Hillary’s image from an iron willed dominatrix to an average Joe with a helluva lot of foreign policy experience, that’s even worse. The key to getting the best of both worlds is to make sure that people notice the word “unnoticed.” Interns, are you taking notes? This is golden material right here, folks. Absolutely golden.
- “The New York Times reports that they were tipped off about the lunch stop and contacted the restaurant.”
And it went perfectly. No one at the restaurant knew she was coming. And the Times didn’t know until it was too late to warn anyone. All they could do was use the security footage after the fact. In a situation like this, timing is everything. You want to get the press involved after the operation has been set in motion, so that reporters are all “what? Hillary was at Chipotle? OMG I didn’t know she and I had so much in common!”
- “So far this election season? Sunglasses: zero. Guac: one.”
You hear that, stylist team? I was against them from the beginning. The secret agent thing is just not working out this season. Either you get Michelle to start wearing them too, or you gotta find a different trademark accessory. I’m looking for style and substance, something that covers a good part of the face so that we can continue doing these restaurant rendezvous on the down low. Do I make myself clear? And catering team, I would start ordering avocados in bulk at this point. I want to see guacamole at breakfast, lunch, and dinner from now on. If Mrs. Clinton asks for a midnight snack, it’s guac all the way. Make sure to put up a few Foodstagrams for good measure. #HillaryEatsToo #JustLikeMeAndYou
- “[Clinton’s] efforts to become more of an ‘everyday American’ have already made her downright unrecognizable to some.”
Yes, yes! That is the point exactly! Next stop, Chick fil A! Then it’s on to seven local diners, three farmer’s markets, and mini golf!
- “‘The thing is, she has these dark sunglasses on,’ the manager, Charles Wright told The Times. “‘She was just another lady.’”
Let that sink in for a moment, team. “‘She was just another lady.’” You know what that says to me? I’ll tell you what it says. That, to me, says, “a job well done.” Keep up the good work.
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