The decision to get bangs (aka, forehead masks made out of your hair) was a long and difficult one, a decision that required a lot of time and dedication to make sure I wasn’t making a mistake. Friends of mine have speculated the reason for this dramatic change: Was it because I had become insecure about the patch of skin above my eyes and wanted to conceal my forehead? Was it because I had accidentally walked through a pair of hair shears while pretending to be the girl from The Grudge? Was it because I was slowly reverting to my emo phase from middle school?
While I usually just smile and laugh off their suggestions with feigned honesty, no one truly knows the real reason for the rectangle-shaped hair covering the top of my face. That is, until now:
The real reason I got bangs was to combat my extreme and utter annoyance and frustration with my peers, teachers, and the general human existence.
In other words, I got bangs so I can write discreet messages on my forehead and savagely discreetly show them to others without getting caught.
It’s simple: Every morning during my normal makeup routine, I grab my handy dandy eyeliner pencil, write my decided message on my forehead (e.g. “YOUR BREATH SMELLS ATROCIOUS” or “YOUR LECTURES ARE BORING AF”).
Subtlety is key.
Then, when the time is right, I slowly brush my bangs to the side, pretending I’m merely trying to get hair out of my eyes. I watch from the corner of my eye, as my subject catches sight of the message: their eyes widen, their pupils dilate, their speech stops. But it’s over in a second, as I casually shake my bangs back onto my forehead, covering up the message, leaving my subject confused, frazzled, and questioning whether they shouldn’t have skipped their morning coffee.
And, because Providence is known for its unforgiving humidity and (bangs are undoubtedly the worst best when it comes to generating sweat), there’s no need to worry about wiping or washing off my messages. By noon, they’ve disappeared without a trace.
