Hello readers. To me, the holiday season and the turning of the new year is always a good opportunity to take the time to be honest with myself and others about my inner truths. That’s why this year I’d like to use the opportunity to introduce myself as the Jew who is controlling the Pope.
It might come as a shock to you, reader, and you might find yourself offended by the statement. But I can’t keep up the lie anymore. Too long have I been acting as puppet-master… and with no reward. Talk about a thankless job! But trust me, now that the information is public (and totally true), my job will be much easier and I think it will actually help the Jews in a lot of ways.
For centuries, we Jews have been labeled the liars and cheaters of society who are always trying to achieve world domination. From The Protocols of the Elders of Zion to accusations of the blood libel, we just can’t catch a break! Antisemites use us as their scapegoat for anything that goes wrong, and to be honest, I’m pretty tired of it. They did get one thing right though: it is a Jew who controls the Pope. And that Jew is me y’all!
Now that I’ve decided to live my truth, I think things are going to look up for the Jewish people. After all, those Christians love their Pope and so by the transitive property, those Christians will love me and all other Jews. I think we have big things to look forward to, notably a decline in worldwide antisemitism and more public support from the Church.
I cannot say the job has been easy, though. Since I’ve been controlling the Pope, I’ve been so busy. Everyday I wake up, go to feed the Pope a simple and healthy breakfast and tell him what I have in store for the day. While I spoon feed oatmeal into his mouth, I tell him what to pray for and what announcements I’d like him to make to his cardinals. As the acting head of the Vatican, I am personally responsible for matters both religious and political. I have to write epistles that I sign with Francis’ name and then schedule and attend meetings with diplomats from a hundred countries, always making sure that His Holiness doesn’t veer from the script I’ve prepared for him the night before. Sometimes in meetings, I’m treated without the respect I deserve as the leader of the Christian world, just because I’m a young American Jewish girl–how annoying! Then I remind them that it’s thanks to me that the Church hasn’t gotten into more trouble. Sometimes, when I’m feeling especially generous and when my little pontiff has done a good job, I let him go outside and play. He loves the outdoors, and though I can’t afford lots of playtime due to a tight schedule, I can hardly resist the sight of him skipping around in his little white dress in the backyard of Saint Peter’s Basilica. Too cute! The day always ends at 11:30 PM–a strict curfew I set so that he gets enough sleep before the next day. I give him privacy to bathe and change into pajamas, but the day ends with me tucking him in with a kiss on the cheek goodnight. I am the first and last person he sees everyday.
Let me now address the fact that the centuries-old myth that the Jews control the world is true. At 31.5% of the world’s population, Christianity is the most widespread religion. Numbering 1.3 billion, the majority of Christians are Roman Catholic, the religion of the Vatican and so the followers of the Pope (and therefore me). There is a long and brutal history of anti-Jewish policy supported and promulgated by the Church, and because of the inherent power that comes with being the largest religious group in the world, it’s been no easy ride for us Jews. Until the Holocaust, the Church stood in public support of anti-Jewish conspiracies, including the conspiracy that it’s the Jews who control the world. And guess what? They were right! At least in the case of Christianity and the Catholic Church, it’s been me the whole time! No Jew has ever come forward to claim responsibility of world domination for fear it would only cause more harm to our people, so I would like to be the first. When it comes down to it, it really is as simple as me needing some validation for all my hard work.
I’m excited to continue this job after coming out. I have big things in store for my little poppet Francis. Though, in the spirit of honesty, now that I’m out I’m not sure I’ll need him as much anymore. After I’m done working my ways with the Vicar of Christ, I plan to move on to other targets I have in mind– including President Trump, every non-Jew in the media, and the weather. Keep your eyes peeled and your chins up, folks, because this little Jew is about to be everywhere!