IDK bout u, but I had a really good summer. It was mostly good because I spent an unusually small percentage of it hating myself, as opposed to the usual 100% of my time. It gets to be a lot. I hate the way I dress (never weather appropriate), I hate the way I talk to people (Both an asshole and a doormat at the same time? How is that even possible??), I hate my lack of work ethic (as of right now this post is a week late in going up), etcetera, etcetera. So to cope with this toxic pastime of mine, I created a sort of alter ego for myself in my head.
My alter ego and I share a name, and that’s pretty much where the similarities end. Except also, her name is always pronounced correctly, so I guess that’s one more thing she’s better at than me. This girl is the best, I promise you. She is friendly and confident and willing, and gets shit done, and knows exactly how to straddle the line between trying too hard and not trying at all. The me I’ve created inside my own head is the me I knew I’d never be able to be… until this summer.
During the first week of my internship, I had lunch with two of my co-workers. They were talking about how they were both living each other’s best lives, and I tried to think about what my best life would be, but I had an inkling I was already living it. Over the following three months, my alter ego proved me right.
She made appearances all through the rest of the summer, starting with the moment when I fangirled my way into an SNL after party. She appeared at work, where I was nice to people and fun to talk to and made friends and did my job really well. She appeared at home, where I continued to be sociable instead of shutting myself alone in my room like I usually do. She appeared in the wild, roaming the concrete jungle where green tomatoes, doing all sorts of things I never do in my unimaginary life – volunteering at a music festival, doing improv in front of people with eyes and ears, meeting professional comedy writers for coffee, breaking into an elementary school on a whim, taking public transportation without getting lost.
It was almost possible to forget the real me was hiding somewhere under there, a dumb child with self-esteem issues and an unhealthy obsession with Miranda Lambert. It was easy to ignore the fact that come September I’d be back on campus, falling behind in all my classes, feeling like my friends never have time for me, never having clean dishes, and generally feeling like everything in my life is turning to shit.
My alter ego lived a life I loved living and a living that loved me, and now… she’s gone. I haven’t seen her since I got back to Providence. Well, maybe a couple times. While I was sleeping. In my imaginary dreams. Never on campus.
The good news is, I know she’s doing well, wherever she is. She’s living it up, doing everything right, being perfect and cool and great. She probably is the queen of a small island by now, nbd.
And the better news is, wherever she may be, she is still me. So you know how it goes. By association, I am probably queen of a small island right now. Bow down, bitches.
Image via Leeron Lempel.