Calling all assholes! Looking for a great new advertising strategy to promote your business? Well, look no further: Random-Middle-Aged-Private-Driver who I met on Thayer Street has the trick for you.
As I walked towards the Ratty on a crisp Thursday, I noticed an unassuming man in his late 50s strolling with a BABY PUPPY! I immediately zeroed in on my target and swooped down upon this innocent little dog with untamed passion. The man motioned for me to take out my earphones. I figured that perhaps he was going to chastise me for being a bit over-zealous due to my puppy withdrawals. I wish that was what happened. Instead, he handed me his business card and started arguing about how his private driving company was better than Uber. My puppy-induced tunnel vision started to fade as I realized he wasn’t a simple dog lover, but instead was whoring out this adorable puppy for the purpose of advertising his business. Appalled, I watched him walk down the street, luring potential customers in with his adorable pup and handing out business cards, leaving dog lovers stunned in his wake.
Visions of the conniving old man filled my head as I stumbled away. What kind of heartless bastard would use an innocent little pup for the sake of capitalism? The poor thing didn’t even have a proper collar or dog tag. Maybe she didn’t even have a name.
Look, I understand that marketing can be difficult, but there are better ways to attract attention to your business without using puppies as tools.
1. Drive a pink Volkswagen Beetle. Extra points if it has fake eyelashes.
2. Supply pizza. The only thing better than drunken binge eating is convenient drunken binge eating.
3. Blast Beyoncé. Girls love Beyoncé.
It’s time to change your ways. You don’t want me to get Sarah McLachlan involved, do you?