Lucky 20: congratulations you just beat teen pregnancy! Your last week self wanted to vomit at the idea of childbirth, but you now find yourself eager to shine with the glow of night sweats and swollen breasts. Maybe your cousin just had a baby, or maybe your mom keeps bringing grandkids up. Whatever the reason, now that you’re 20 years old you feel it in your bones—nay, your uterus—that it’s time to bring children into this world. 20 is pretty old after all.
Unfortunately, it can be tricky to bring your bundle of joy into the world since you need to find a man (blegh) to help you. The guys on campus just don’t understand the strong maternal urge that takes you over the moment you blow out those 20 candles. They’ve never even seen the scene in Pride and Prejudice (2005) where Charlotte Lucas is in her 20s with no money and no prospects. In fact, they’re probably actively harming your chances of getting pregnant by getting repeatedly hit in the balls while playing spikeball. Such saboteurs. It may seem like hope is lost.
But then, on one fateful night spent disparaging over your Hinge likes (how do they think they have any chance with me???) it hits you: the Pembroke Seal. The fabled step that, as a freshman, you avoided like the plague. Now that you have the sage wisdom of a 20 year old, you understand that the Pembroke Seal is not a curse but a blessing. When you make the hungover journey to the Andrews burrito bowl, you see that seal as a light in cloudy, dreary Providence where you can’t see the sun at 1:00 pm.
Praise be! A way to become a mother through immaculate conception rather than the man you met in the DTau basement!