A few weeks ago, the LA Times caused global outrage with information from Hello Kitty’s parent company Sanrino that Hello Kitty is not a kitty at all.
“How silly you all have been to believe the tiny, white creature with pointed ears and whiskers was a cat,” said a representative from Sanrino at the start of an hour-long press conference. “You must all be stupid idiots.” The representative then spent the remaining 59 minutes flipping the bird to the journalists in attendance (“This isn’t really a bird, you morons.”)
Even though Sanrino and the Hello Kitty website were pretty clear that Hello Kitty is in fact, a little girl and not a cat, I found it necessary to examine the evidence myself.
Is Hello Kitty a Human?
YES: She walks upright on two legs.
NO: She’s as tall as five apples. Let’s assume that apples are about four inches. That would make Hello Kitty less than two feet tall. That’s way too small for a human. Even if she’s not a cat, evidence suggests she’d be more of a pixie or something.
YES: She plays the piano, and dreams of becoming a pianist one day.
NO: Have you ever seen “The Aristocats”? Those lovable scamps play piano all damn day.
Even in real life, cats play piano so often on the Internet that it’s not even impressive anymore.
YES: She has her own pet cat, named Charmmy Kitty.
NO: First, dumbest cat name ever. Only another cat would name her cat something as dumb as “Charmmy Kitty.” Second, have you seen Charmmy Kitty? Here’s a picture:
Notice anything? Oh, right. She and Hello Kitty have the exact same face. For reference, here’s what happens when you face-swap a human and a cat:
I’ll wait here while you clean the shit out of your pants.
Also, just having a pet cat doesn’t make you a human. Just because Pluto has to wear a collar and pee outside doesn’t mean Goofy’s not a dog too.
YES: She’s from London. A town where people live.
NO: I can think of some cats from London.
Just like Hello Kitty, they stand on their hind legs. Do you know what else they do? Call themselves cats.
YES: She likes to bake cookies. Cats don’t have opposable thumbs and lack the small-motor control to crack eggs.
NO: If you weigh as much as three apples, something tells me you’re not eating cookies all that often. Do you know how much three apples weigh? Not a lot. Even at her most waifish, Kate Moss bottomed out at seven and a half apples.
So if Hello Kitty is human after all, thank you Sanrino for making it even more difficult for young women to achieve body acceptance. Because you might be skinny, but you’ll never be three apple skinny.