Hey! It’s me, Jaded College Sophomore! I spent my vacation rereading my coffee-stained copy of Sartre. Just in case you were wondering, I drink my coffee black, obviously. The stains are really dark, and poetic, and probably indicate that I’m an intellectual, but, you know, I’m also really casual about it. I’m not a philosophy concentrator or anything—to be honest, I feel like assigning seminal texts for homework really undermines their importance—I just read painfully academic books for fun. Anyway, how was your break?
Ha, a fun New Year’s Eve party? Oh, you’re serious. You must be new here. Did no one tell you? Time is a social construct! We give arbitrary dates meaning to delude ourselves into believing that our existence isn’t meaningless!! We lose sight behind the lenses of 2016 glasses as Kronos leads us on a long march to inevitable death!!!
But, who am I to judge? Go ahead and squeeze your ever-decaying body into that sequined romper that fit you better last year. Pop enough $6 Andre champagne to convince yourself that tonight is more glamorous than any other night fueled by cheap poison alcohol. Watch Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin engage in cloyingly artificial scripted banter as they watch the ball drop, signaling the start of another arbitrary marker for the passing of time. Take pictures with your old high school pals who are becoming disillusioned with the world; their teenage dreams grow farther and farther out of reach as they succumb to their bleak realities.
And don’t tell me you made a New Year’s resolution. People don’t change. I, for one, will never stop being a tortured intellectual. But I’ve accepted my fate, and you should, too. The road to oblivion is littered with broken resolutions.
What did I do for New Year’s Eve? Oh, well… I mean… I went to a rager at my high school friend Stephanie’s house. But, it was more of a social commentary, you know? Like, yeah, I participated in all of the New Year’s Eve clichés, but I was totally being ironic. Anyway, I’ll catch up with you later in Financial Accounting.
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