I open my eyes. I have no recollection of where I am. A hotel room? The morning sun shines through the window, casting an orange haze through the curtains. I stand up to try to find any sign of life in the room. A friend! In the bathtub? Holding a baby? I stagger to the next room. Another friend! Missing a tooth? Her smile is now forever impaired. Does she not know that? There were four of us. One is missing. Yes. One is definitely missing. Should I check the roof?
Why is this story sounding oddly familiar? Shit. I just described the plot of The Hangover. I thought I had the next great thing. Good thing I didn’t make that call to Judd Apatow yet. Anyway, if you made the realization before I did: congrats.
But let’s get real. We all have had mornings like this (not to this extent…. but if you have, that’s awesome. You do you). We have had those mornings where we don’t want to check our phones because we already know what we’re going to find.
Examples (All characters appearing in these examples are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental)
1. Finding the blatantly sexually aggressive text to possible mating partner
1:05:26 am (You): I’m so horny.
1:05:38 am (You): Sorrrrrry. I’m druk. Dunk. Drunk.
Now children, the moral of this example is hiding your fucking phone. No matter how thirsty you are for a male presence, that is the worst text to read the next morning. You just feel shitty.
2. Needing to know cute boy’s ETA AT. ALL. TIMES.
12:05 am (You): Hey where you at?
12:10 am (You): Heeeeeeey? Why haven’t I seen you?
12:36 am (You): Where did you go?
3:05 am (You): CUUUUUUUM TO ME!
No. Don’t do it. You had to make the cum pun?
3. Finding the photo where one or both of your female mammary glands may be chilling outside of your bra…or outside of your shirt.
What do we think the moral of this example is? If I have to spell it out for you, you might have some reevaluating to do. But let’s just say, if you’re running for a high power job in the possible future, you were fucked the second you took your shirt off that night.
Besides checking your phone, the next worse way to find out about last nights festivities is through word of mouth.
Examples (All characters appearing in these examples are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental)
1. You: Did I make a complete ass of myself in front of (insert cute boys name here) last night?
Friend: I think you tried to hook up with him?
You: What did he do?
Friend: He ran away. And I think he ended up hooking up with (insert bitch’s name here).
You: Fuck.
2. You: Is that my throw up in the toilet?
Friend: Yes.
You: Fuck.
3. You: Why is there a rip in the crotch of my pants?
Friend: You tried to twerk on the dance floor. And you ripped your pants.
You: Fuck.
So what did we take away from these examples? Drinking is fun and then it’s not. Examples tell all.
There is no way to stop this phenomenon of Hangover Guilt. We will drink too much. We will text things we regret. And we will do stupid shit that we will for sure regret. So, as a whole, let’s embrace the Guilt. At least we’re all in this together.
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