I’m not enough of an Apple geek to freak out over every new iPhone, and I’m usually several months behind on my iOS updates because there are always glitches. Always. And I don’t really have time for that in my life (seriously, even finding time to shower is a struggle these days). But with the latest update, iOS 10, I heard that Big Things™ were supposed to happen. I’m pretty sure I heard someone muttering about “world domination” and “finally being able to shout via text.” Whoa, sign me up!
Further encouraged by some good old peer pressure, I updated to iOS 10 on Monday, September 19 (only 6 days late to the party!) at 11pm, in the SciLi basement. It was a tense thirty minutes of me staring at the harsh concrete walls as the loading bar crept closer and closer to full.
And then *bam*, suddenly I was part of some exclusive new club, sending texts in cursive, accompanied by lasers and balloons and neon hearts. It was overwhelming—I’m a classic example of “person who doesn’t handle change well”—but I reminded myself: “It’s going to be okay, you can still send all of your favorite emojis.”
But then I went to send the hair flip emoji to my friend, and my jaw dropped. Who was this woman on my screen? Her pose was familiar, but the face staring back at me was that of a stranger. No. I didn’t understand. What had Apple done? I scrambled to scroll through the rest of the emojis, and my fears were confirmed. All of the people—the dancing lady, the happy families, even the blushing smiley face—looked different now. But other categories—animals, food, nature-y things—seemed totally fine. My mind raced, and suddenly it hit me.
I know what’s going on, Apple. Did you really think we’d be okay with this? We all love a good upgrade, but we like our emojis au naturel, thank you very much, and these Photoshopped emojis just don’t cut it. I thought we were making progress with this sort of thing! Apparently not. Let’s take a closer look at a few of these travesties:
The Women with Bunny Ears:
It’s not easy to pose in nothing but a leotard (and bunny ears, obviously), but these two twins (they are twins, right?) do it so well. We’ve come to know and love their oversized heads, haunting eyes, and hoof-like feet. There’s also something about their goofy grins and their “we’re-about-to-fall-over” posture that is refreshingly candid and is just so them, you know?
But with the latest update, they are barely recognizable. Whatever Photoshop wizardry was attempted, I don’t appreciate it. Their proportions have been modified, from their heads to their toes, and there have definitely been some nips and tucks in the spandex region. Plus they just look too gosh darn graceful now. Gently bent knees and daintily pointed toes—really Apple? You’re not fooling us, and it’s honestly just rude that you couldn’t see the beauty in what was already there.
The Older Man:
I’ve always affectionately referred to this emoji as “Grandpa.” His round face, his forehead wrinkles, and the laugh lines around his mouth tell the story of his long and joyful life. And I like how the tufts of hair sandwiching his bald spot puff out in a way that says “I am too old to give a damn about brushing my hair.” Honestly, same.
The Haircut Lady:
This is a truly classic emoji, one which I like to use both literally and ironically. So versatile, right? I love the joy she exudes, and the somewhat alarming gaping smile plastered across her face. She really loves haircuts! I love haircuts too! But mostly I love this emoji’s hair, the star of the show, because it’s pretty big and shiny and also kind of not #hairgoals, but she OWNS it. Like she’s just daring you to shit-talk her hair.
You know who (more or less) did just that? This latest emoji update. They used their digital magic to take the pizzazz right out of her hair. It’s so soft and smooth and boring now. And would you believe that perfect little hair flip they added? Puh-lease. If my hair looked like that, I would not be getting a haircut. Behind her tiny retouched smile and doe eyes, haircut lady clearly feels betrayed. She was perfect before. Give her back her sass! And her big hair!
