Calling all ghosts and ghouls! I am a college sophomore just looking to be haunted, and you could be the lucky phantom friend I’ve been waiting for. I’m posting this classified because if I wait any longer for a ghost to manifest itself in my presence, this spooky season will be over and all I’ll have to show for it are a small collection of fun size Three Musketeers and the two miniature pumpkins my parents sent me in the mail.
That’s why I want you to be my guide to the paranormal. Show me all the local haunts—spider infested basements, cursed tombs, your favorite bar. Take me on a day trip to the spirit realm. We could go to the ghost-beach and have a ghost-picnic amongst the souls of the departed. Tell me a real ghost story—something better than the creepy chainmail I got in middle school.
Ideally this would turn into a long term arrangement. Once all of the Halloween hijinks were over, I’d like a pal I could just spend time with. You can float around my room while I do homework and we could gossip about all the hotties down at the graveyard. We could have deep conversations about mortality and and the movie The Haunted Mansion starring Eddie Murphy. I assume you’d be telekinetic (or at least keen on moving stuff around) which would be super awesome because you could help redecorate my room, pick up things that fall behind my bed and recreate the “Be Our Guest” dancing plate scene when setting the dinner table. And think of all the whimsical pranks we could pull together!
I hope I’m not asking too much, but I think I have some assets to offer as well. For starters, I am totally cool with you walking through my walls at all hours. I would protect you from all ghost hunters, adventurers and busters and give you my undivided attention when you rattle chains, bellow in the nights, or want to tell me stories from your past, like how you died of dysentery or fought in the Second and Third Crusades.
I will admit that I’m rather ignorant to ghost culture. I don’t know if y’all are just orbs of energy, or misty humanlike apparitions, or look like that green guy in the original Ghostbusters who reeks havoc on the ballroom. I’m very okay with any and all of those possibilities and will do anything to make this haunting a mutually enjoyable experience.
Special preference will be granted to: a small pioneer girl who traveled on the Oregon Trail; a mouthy suffragette; a witch from the Salem Witch Trials; a French poet with a flair for the extravagant; anyone who died on the Titanic; anyone who died in a duel; anyone headless (especially if you carry your severed head around like a basketball). I’m really not picky as long as you’re not an evil demon seeking to possess my body.
Scooby Doo villains and people wearing sheets with eye holes need not apply because I need some authentic ectoplasm. This is also not a request for a romantic interest to “ghost” me, unless that romantic interest happens to be deceased. Interested spirits should materialize in my room and be ready to showcase their skills. Please announce yourself with your best “boo.”
Looking forward to forging a connection that transcends the mortal world!
Sincerely/Supernaturally Yours, Sarah (Ghost Enthusiast/Living Girl)
Image via Sarah Clapp.