Getting your Boyfriend to Accept that Girls Poop Too: A 3-Step Program

All right, everyone, the year is 2014 so I think it’s time. The era of shit shame must come to a close. It may be hard, but we should all come to terms with the fact that ladies, just like guys, have to drop the kids off at the pool. To ease you all through this process and finally get the Poop Acceptance movement on the rise, I’ve compiled a simple and comprehensive program to follow whenever and wherever you think appropriate. It may take an hour; it may take a year. However, I assure that if you follow my instructions, this program will change your life. Below are the three steps to getting your boyfriend to accept that you – and all women across the globe – poop.

First: Casually and slyly introduce the idea that all creatures must eat and therefore must create waste into your conversation. Keep it scientific. What goes in must come out. This step is the simplest, as it smoothly incorporates into any conversation. Bio class? Blue room? Bedroom chatter? Nothing turns men on more than science. If it interests you, do some light reading on the digestive system. Show him an article or two. Nothing’s sexier than a well-read partner. Real smooth, real easy, real simple.

Second: Somehow bring up that you know he poops. Do not confront him. This step is not meant to be accusatory. You should, however, make sure you are firm. You could be humorous – “Hey, you were in there a long time! Were you doing your rectum exercises?” – or straight-forward – “Hey baby, how’s your shit been lately?” After all, your poop is a great indicator for the state of your body. Perhaps your man has been feeling nervous, is getting a little stopped up, and wants to talk it out. It’ll bring you closer. Put it on his radar that you know… You’re no fool.

Third: Final step! This step has real room for creativity – style points, if you will. Simply put, you must give him the news. It is entirely your choice how you go about it! You can go casual, funny – “My DADS [day-after-drinking-shit] was incredible this morning. Tequila, man.” Or, you can simply take a squat and leave the door open for him to find you. Be bold. Be brave. In the end, it’ll be better for both of you. And if he can’t handle the news, he’s either got some other stuff going on or he’s twelve years old. You deserve someone who is going to cherish you, poop and all.

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