Ah, Friendsgiving. A time to be grateful for never having to eat alone in the dining hall and for a core group of reliable likes on your Insta posts. Buzzfeed, that innovative online news and culture site, recently posted a list of recipes you can make for Friendsgiving in your college dorm room. This list is a straight-up joke. Does Buzzfeed really expect me to make the harrowing voyage down to the dorm kitchen to make pan-seared turkey cutlets and green beans with almonds and thyme? That would involve the purchase of ~herbs~, and I am a nineteen-year-old who lives in a closet-sized room and subsists on Blue Room muffins. I can say with absolute certainty that I will not purchase herbs until I no longer have to swipe a plastic ID card to do laundry. 35 minutes in the oven? Not happening. “Better than the box and hardly any work?” Absolutely not. Parsnips? What even are those. And so it is with these out-of-the-question recipes in mind that I present to you my own list, recipes you can actually make and bring to your Friendsgiving.
- Toast
To make your toast, you must first insert the bread into the toaster, and then wait for the toast to spring from said toaster. While you wait you can prepare other foods to bring to Friendsgiving, or, more realistically, watch Netflix in four-minute chunks. White bread can be purchased inexpensively from CVS, but if you’re looking for a more cost-effective alternative, you can quietly smuggle bread from the Ratty a slice or two at a time until you have a complete loaf!
- Butter
Butter can serve as the perfect garnish to your toast. Alternately, if you don’t have a toaster or just the thought of making toast exhausts you, butter is a star that can stand alone. Who doesn’t love butter? Plus it goes on literally everything.
- Trail Mix
There are many perks of bringing trail mix to your Friendsgiving. First, it will make you feel sportier. You will spend the evening scarfing trail mix by the handful and pretending you’ve finally conquered a tall peak. Wear wool socks and hiking boots to reinforce this sense of false fulfillment. You can purchase trail mix at your local convenience store, or you can make it yourself. I rarely advocate for making things yourself, but here I will for two reasons: making trail mix yourself is an excuse to purchase M&Ms in large quantities and eat most of them, and you can leave out the raisins, because in all seriousness they are the worst part of trail mix.
- M&Ms
Why bother with trail mix? Give the people what they really want.
- Pudding Cups
In charge of dessert? Pick up some pudding cups. Pudding cups are great because they’ll remind you of a blissful childhood in which other people cooked Thanksgiving foods for you. Plus, they’re prepackaged individually, so you don’t need to deal with dishes or that one asshole who takes too much and doesn’t leave anything for the rest of you. Plastic spoons will give this dessert that ultimate “fuck the environment” touch.
- Come to think of it, just bring plastic silverware.
