To the people who play Christmas music before Thanksgiving,
First of all, how dare you?
The rest of us have the maturity and discipline to wait until after Thanksgiving to start playing Christmas music. Frankly, I find your callous disrespect for one of the most enjoyable eating-focused holidays to be rude and, quite simply, disgusting. For the love of gravy, summon your inner strength and avoid temptation!
Now before you label me as a Scrooge, you should know that I love Christmas music. Well, maybe not “Santa Baby,” which I personally find a little creepy. Let’s stop the sexualization of imaginary figures associated with childhood innocence, people! But I digress. “Jingle Bells” is an old standby, and I’ll be damned if I don’t sing along to “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.” But, please, save the carols for the season.
Christmas carols are a great way to spread joy and holiday cheer, but if you start too early it lessens the effect. Part of what makes Christmas so magical is that it only comes once a year. Vanishing faster than a melting snowflake, it remains special because it is a rare treat. We’ve already extended the Christmas season to fill the entire month of December. Pushing the start date further into November reduces the effect of its novelty.
Focus on your stuffing-induced food coma to distract yourself from the impending, sickeningly saccharine Christmas spirit that will sweep the nation come December 1st. Prepare your car radios for cheesy Christmas DJs, queue up your favorite Michael Bublé holiday playlist, and start your vocal warm-up exercises. If you’re really feeling tempted, maybe make a compromise and succumb to the red Starbucks holiday cups. We all know those came out weeks before Thanksgiving… But please do try to stay strong. Do it for all of the turkeys who valiantly gave up their lives for the sake of Thanksgiving. Honor their sacrifice by devoting all of your holiday spirit to the preeminent November holiday.
With intentions sweeter than cranberry sauce,
Allie
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